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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Throughout history, people have dreamed of living in a perfect society, but nobody has agreed on what an ideal society would look like. What is the most important element needed to make a society perfect? How can the ideal society be achieved?

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Nowadays, there is a discussion about what an ideal
society
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 should be like
,
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;
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however
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, everybody has their own preferences. From my perspective, an accessible
education
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 is the main factor
,
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apply
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 which contributes to a stable
society
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. It can be achieved by governmental investments in
education
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.
This
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 essay will explain my point of view. One of the important elements for
society
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 is a high-quality
education
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 because it leads to citizens' better dicisions making and lower unemployment.
That is
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 why governments should invest more heavily in
education
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. By providing high-quality and affordable higher
education
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,
students
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 are more likely to get better employment, which strengthens their financial independence.
This
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 clearly can help to reduce poverty, allowing people to have greater social ability, which improves cooperation and respect among citizens.
Furthermore
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,
education
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 helps
students
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 to improve their valuable skills, which creates skilled workers for the country. Major schools or universities offer various disciplines, thereby developing different skills,
such
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 as communication or problem-solving skills.
Therefore
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, a growing generation becomes more capable citizens, leading to a more knowledgeable population. In order to achieve
this
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, governments should invest more heavily in scholarships because they help disadvantaged
students
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 to get a higher
education
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. Many people with low-income backgrounds want to attend universities that they
otherwise
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 might not be able to afford. It directly leads to greater access to higher
education
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, which helps to reach a more educated
society
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.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 can reduce inequality and discrimination related to
students
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' backgrounds.
Therefore
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, it leads to a more socially cohesive
society
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, which strengthens cooperation and respect among
students
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. In conclusion,
education
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 plays a crucial role in creating an ideal
society
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 because a knowledgeable community can make better decisions, and it leads to reduced unemployment.
This
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 can be achieved by investing more heavily in educational scholarships, leading to decreased rates of discrimination and an educated
society
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.

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task response
Score: 6. You answer both parts: education is your key part, and more state money for schools and scholarships is your way to reach it. To get a higher score, explain more clearly why education is the most important part, not just one important part. Add one real or clear example of how a scholarship changes a person’s life.
task response
Your main ideas are good, but some points repeat: better jobs, less poverty, and more respect. Make each point do a different job. For example, first show how education helps people get work; then show how it helps people take part in public life.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 6. The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. The order is easy to follow. However, the second body part repeats the first idea about state money. You could make body 1 about why education matters and body 2 about two clear ways to make it open to all people.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use “Furthermore” and “Therefore” well, but there are many of them. At times, join ideas in a more direct way. Also, make the link from “social ability” to “cooperation and respect” clearer.
language note
Check small word forms: write “better decision-making”, not “better dicisions making”; “people from low-income homes”, not “low-income backgrounds” if you want a simpler form; and “a more able generation”, not “a growing generation”.
task response
You give a clear view from the start: open, good education is the key part of an ideal society.
task response
Your ideas stay on the topic. Jobs, less poverty, and equal chances all fit your main point.
coherence and cohesion
The first and last parts match well. Your end repeats the main answer without adding a new idea.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has a main idea, and you use clear links such as “because”, “therefore”, and “furthermore”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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