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Band 5.5

The internet has made knowledge immediately available to people through computers and smartphones all around the world. Much of this knowledge is also free. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this trend.

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As the
internet
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 has become an integral part of modern life, it has made knowledge available to
people
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 via
computers
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 and cell phones all over the world.
This
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 essay will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of
this
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 trend. On the one hand, it is inevitable that by means of the
internet
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,
people
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 can access
information
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 and knowledge instantly through
computers
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 and smartphones.
People
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 can be aware of everything without visiting libraries, which allows them to save a considerable amount of time and money.
Therefore
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, it allows them to spend their time on other activities rather than going to libraries or searching for
information
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 manually.
Additionally
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, individuals may receive education via the
internet
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, obtain various certificates and diplomas, thereby improving themselves. It is exemplified in staying at home and boosting professional skills online.
Moreover
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, the
internet
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 allows individuals to be informed by all kinds of news, which helps them to keep up with the modern world, given that it is a demand of the high-tech century.
On the other hand
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, getting knowledge remotely has some disadvantages, too.
Firstly
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,
people
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 cannot study on a university campus
while
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 getting a higher education, which may cause
less
Correct article usage
a less
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 sociable and more isolated lifestyle.
This
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 is because they may miss opportunities to participate in education clubs, social activities and festivals during their university years.
In addition
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, accepting
information
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 via the
internet
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 through
computers
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 and smartphones constantly
makes
Verb problem
exposes
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 almost everyone
undergo a
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to
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 radiation. Excessive use of
computers
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 can expose
people
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 to prolonged screen time, which may negatively affect their physical well-being, particularly their eyesight. In conclusion, it is crystal clear that receiving
information
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 on the
internet
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 has both advantages and disadvantages.

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task response
Give more full support for each main point. For example, explain how free online lessons can help a person who cannot pay for school, then give one real or clear example.
task response
Some ideas need to be more exact. The point about “radiation” is not well shown. It would be better to focus on long screen time, poor sleep, eye pain, or false information online.
task response
Make the link to free knowledge stronger. Much of the essay talks about the internet in general, but the topic also asks about knowledge that people can get for free.
task response
The online university point is too broad. People can still study on a campus even when online knowledge is easy to get. Say that some people may choose online study and so have less face-to-face time.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and build it in a simple order: main point, why it is true, and example. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same point about saving time. Join the two sentences, then use the space to add an example or a deeper reason.
coherence and cohesion
Use links that show the true relation between ideas. For example, “As a result” fits better than “Therefore” in some places, and “For example” can introduce your examples more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your last paragraph only repeats that there are good and bad sides. Add a short final view, such as saying that free online knowledge is helpful if people check sources and limit screen time.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic. You give clear good points, such as saving time, learning at home, and health or social problems.
task response
Your opening and ending are clear and stay on the main topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, good points, bad points, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful link words, such as “On the one hand”, “Additionally”, “Moreover”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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