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Band 5.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health problem. Give the reasons for this problem and give solutions.

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Introduction
Society is very different today from the past.The problem of childhood obesity is a very serious issue. It has changed the health of many
children
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.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons for being overweight and the solutions to that problem.
Body paragraph 1
There are many reasons why
children
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 today are overweight.
First,
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junk
food
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 is one of the main causes of being overweight.
For
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example
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, many
children
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 eat junk
food
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 everyday that makes them gain
weight
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.
Also
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, eating
this
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food
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 causes some serious heart problems.
Second,
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avoiding exercise can cause being overweight.
For instance
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,
children
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 avoid exercises and that makes them lazy and increases their
weight
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.
Also
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, because they hate exercise , and they do not do it,
this
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 reason causes
weight
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 gain to occur rapidly.
Third,
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young
children
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 today consume
sugar
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 all the time.
For
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example
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, they eat
sugar
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Punctuation problem
,
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and that increases insulin.
Also
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, they eat candy, sweets and chocolate often. They
also
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 drink soda like Pepsi, which is full of
sugar
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.
that
Capitalize the word
That
show examples
 makes them overweight because
sugar
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 transforms into fat in the liver.
Body paragraph 2
There are many solutions to combat child obesity.
First,
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eating healthy
food
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 helps to get rid of
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
.
For
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example
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,
people
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 should eat fibre and fruits to keep fit.
Also
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,
people
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 should eat protein
food
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such
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 as meat,lamb and chicken.
Second,
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doing sports can assist us to get rid of being overweight.
For instance
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, swimming can build muscles that assist us to combat overwieght.
Also
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,
people
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 can do cardio to reduce being overweight.
Third,
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removing
sugar
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 is a good way to lose
weight
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.
For
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example
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, removing
sugar
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 and put natural
sugar
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 can help
children
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 lose
weight
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.
Also
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,
people
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 can replace
sugar
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 with fiber that can reduce insulin.
Conclusion
In conclusion,it is easy to see that the overweight problem for
children
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 has many reasons.
However
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,it
also
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 has some excellent solutions.

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task response
Make your ideas more exact. Some points say the same thing: junk food and sugar are very close ideas. You could use a different reason, such as long screen time, little sleep, or parents not having time to cook at home.
task response
Write more about who should act. For example, parents can buy less soda, schools can give healthy lunches, and the state can limit ads for junk food for children. This will make your solutions stronger.
task response
Be careful with health facts. Instead of saying sugar changes into fat in the liver, say that too much sugar and high-calorie food can lead to weight gain. This is safer and clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer repeated words and phrases. You repeat 'being overweight', 'also', and 'for example' many times. Try words like 'this problem', 'in addition', 'as a result', and 'one way'.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each main point in one clear pattern: point, why it happens, then one example. At times, the extra sentence repeats the same idea, so the paragraph feels too long.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending more useful. Restate the main reasons and say who should take action. For example: parents and schools should help children eat well, move more, and drink less sweet drinks.
task response
You answer both parts of the task. You give clear reasons, such as junk food, little exercise, and too much sugar. You also give ways to help, such as healthy food, sport, and less sugar.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. The reader can easily see the reasons first and the solutions next.
task response
You use examples in each main point, such as candy, soda, swimming, fruit, and chicken. These make your ideas easier to understand.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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