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Band 4.5

Despite a variety of sports facilities and gyms, people are less fit nowadays than ever before. What do you think are the main causes of this problem? What solutions can you suggest?

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Introduction
It is widely argued that
although
Linking Words
 fitness facilities are widely available,
people
Use synonyms
 are getting less in shape over time.
This
Linking Words
 is particularly affected by an unhealthy lifestyle, especially for younger generations, and it can be solved through implementing high-taxation for
junk
Use synonyms
foods
Use synonyms
 and sugary
drinks
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
The primary reason why
people
Use synonyms
 are less fit compared to before
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 related to the consumption of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 products. Since
junk
Use synonyms
foods
Use synonyms
 and sugary
drinks
Use synonyms
 are widely
acessible
Correct your spelling
accessible
 and affordable, it is undeniably more tempting to consume unhealthy products compared to the healthier alternatives. Not only because the healthy options are relatively more expensive, but
also
Linking Words
 because the fast
food
Use synonyms
 chains,
such
Linking Words
 as
burger king
Capitalize the proper name
Burger King
show examples
, are significantly more accessible.
For example
Linking Words
, in the US, the restaurants are dominated by ultra-processed
foods
Use synonyms
, leaving
people
Use synonyms
 with only
small
Correct article usage
a small
show examples
 amount of healthier alternatives.
Moreover
Linking Words
, matcha is gaining more popularity among teenagers.
This
Linking Words
 makes young
people
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
prone to over-consumption
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 sugary
drinks
Use synonyms
, and it is mainly influenced by their friend groups who are doing the same thing. These reasons,
therefore
Linking Words
, caused reducing calories
requires
Wrong verb form
to require
show examples
 an extreme effort, and
went
Wrong verb form
going
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 to the gym seem as useless
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
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.
Body paragraph 2
Therefore
Linking Words
, on tackling
this
Linking Words
 problem,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 has to implement strict rules regarding
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 both taxation and
Use synonyms
food's
Check wording
food
show examples
 regulations. By applying tax on unhealthy
foods
Use synonyms
, it can reduce the buying power of
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
.
Such
Linking Words
 programmes can be beneficial
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 combined with subsidising healthier alternatives.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 can implement strict regulations on
food
Use synonyms
, so
excessive
Rephrase
excessively
show examples
 sweet
drinks
Use synonyms
 or
food
Use synonyms
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 well as
high-processed
Replace the word
highly processed
foods
Use synonyms
, should not be sold in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
For instance
Linking Words
,
foods
Use synonyms
 in Japan are widely known as one of the healthiest, it barely
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
show examples
 any processed ingredients.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the distribution of
junk
Use synonyms
foods
Use synonyms
 is restricted, and it can improve the quality of
public's
Correct article usage
the public's
show examples
 lifestyle in the long term.
Conclusion
In conclusion, 
people
Use synonyms
seemingly
Verb problem
are seemingly
show examples
 less in shape nowadays, regardless of the easy access to fitness
centre
Check wording
centres
show examples
,
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
because of the unhealthy lifestyle
that is
Linking Words
adapted
Use the right word
adopted
show examples
 by younger
people
Use synonyms
, and
this
Linking Words
 can be
overcame
Wrong verb form
overcome
show examples
 by integrating taxation for
junk
Use synonyms
foods
Use synonyms
 and regulating healthier
food
Use synonyms
 distributions

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task response
Explain the link between sports places and fitness more fully. The question says gyms are easy to find, so say why people still do not use them. For example, people may have little time, sit at work, travel by car, or choose screen time at home.
task response
Some examples need more care. The point about matcha is not fully clear, because matcha itself is not always high in sugar. Use a clearer example, such as sweet milk tea, soda, or large coffee drinks with sugar.
task response
Your food rules are too strong in places: saying that some food should not be sold may be hard to do. Give a more realistic plan, such as clear food labels, less ads for children, smaller sugar amounts, and lower prices for fruit and fresh food.
task response
The Japan example is too broad and is not well shown. Add one clear fact or use a more general example: schools can sell water and fresh meals instead of sweet drinks and fried food.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body part, the ideas move from cheap food to fast food shops, then matcha, then gyms. Make the order clearer: cheap unhealthy food, easy access to it, then why this makes exercise feel less useful.
coherence and cohesion
Make cause-and-effect links more exact. Instead of saying that gym visits “seem as useless activities”, explain that people may feel tired, gain weight, or lose hope because their daily food has too much sugar and fat.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple, direct sentences to avoid unclear meaning. For example: “These habits make it hard to stay fit, even when gyms are nearby.” This is clearer than the long sentence about reducing calories and gym use.
coherence and cohesion
Your last paragraph repeats the main point well, but it can be more exact. Sum up the two causes and the two main plans in one short final statement.
task response
You answer both parts of the question. You give clear main causes, such as cheap junk food and sugary drinks, and you suggest taxes, support for healthy food, and rules for food sales.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Words such as “Moreover”, “Therefore”, and “For example” help the reader follow your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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