IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think competitive sport is important for a child's education. Others think it has negative effects on children. Discuss both views and give your opinion

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Many individuals believe that game is crucial for a child's education
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 when
it becomes
Fix the agreement mistake
they become
show examples
 competitive.
While
Linking Words
 others
public
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
oppose
this
Linking Words
 idea, they think
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it has bad effects on
children
Use synonyms
. I agree with the first view and think that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 competitive sports develop good
decision making
Correct your spelling
decision-making
 quality among infants through
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tough
situation
Check wording
situations
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, competition in games helps
children
Use synonyms
 to stay
clam
Use the right word
calm
show examples
 in a difficult situation.
This
Linking Words
 is because, during gaming, a player
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to keep their nerve control and they need to take right
decission
Correct your spelling
decision
 within a very short period of time.
In particular
Linking Words
, through
this
Linking Words
 process a
children
Use synonyms
 develop a
life necessary
Correct your spelling
life-necessary
 skill
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, how to
relief
Replace the word
relieve
 stress.
For example
Linking Words
, a study conducted at the University of Dhaka
, they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
 found that
, the
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
 people who had come from a competitive sport
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 had 3 times better ability to
take
Verb problem
make the
show examples
 right decision
on their
Change preposition
in
show examples
 hard times compared to non-competitive people.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, extreme pressures have
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adverse effects
among
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
children
Use synonyms
. One important reason for
this
Linking Words
 is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it increases
oxitocin
Correct your spelling
oxytocin
 in the body of a
Use synonyms
children
Fix the agreement mistake
child
show examples
. As the level of
oxitocin
Correct your spelling
oxytocin
 hormone increases
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the body, they
go for
Verb problem
experience
show examples
 depression.
As a result
Linking Words
, many
children
Use synonyms
 can not do well in their later lives.
For instance
Linking Words
, according
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 World Health
Orgalization
Correct your spelling
Organisation
 (WHO) survey, carried out in 2015, seven out of ten
childrens
Replace the word
children
 could not tolerate these competitive games.
Conclusion
In conclusion, competitive sports are important for
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 to develop
stress relieving
Correct your spelling
stress-relieving
 skills in their lives;
however
Linking Words
, it should not be too much so that one infants go for depression.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your ideas answer the question, but explain them in a more careful way. Competitive sport may help children learn team work, self-control, and how to deal with winning and losing. These points are closer to school and life.
task response
Be careful with facts. The claims about a university study, oxytocin, and the WHO are very strong, but they are not explained. Use a simple real-life example instead, or explain clearly why the fact is true.
task response
The second side needs more detail. Say what kind of pressure can hurt children, such as too much training, angry parents, or fear of losing. Then explain how this can make a child feel sad or tired.
task response
Your own view should be more complete. Say that sport is good when adults keep it safe, fair, and not too hard for the child.
coherence and cohesion
Make the opening clearer. The first two sentences are hard to follow. State both views in one or two short sentences, then give your view.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same key words. Use “competitive sport” or “competitive games” throughout. Do not change to “game”, “gaming”, or “competitive people”, as these can change the meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not natural. For example, “This is because, during gaming...” can be written as “This is because players must stay calm and make quick choices during a game.”
coherence and cohesion
Support each main point with a clear chain: main idea, why it happens, and one example. This will make your paragraphs easier to read.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly in the first paragraph and again at the end.
task response
Each main paragraph has one clear main idea: help in hard times, and harm from too much pressure.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, one side, the other side, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Teamwork
  • Cooperation
  • Communication skills
  • Physical fitness
  • Obesity
  • Discipline
  • Time management
  • Confidence
  • Resilience
  • Anxiety
  • Burnout
  • Mental health
  • Risk of injury
  • Safety measures
  • Academic responsibilities
  • Participation
  • Unhealthy rivalries
  • Aggression
  • Sportsmanship
  • Jealousy
What to do next:
Look at other essays: