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Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing .what do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

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Introduction
Nowadays, there has been a drastic degradation with respect to medical and physical conditions among the residents of some nations.
This
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 essay
tends
Verb problem
aims
show examples
 to discuss why
this
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 condition has happened, and we will discuss its solutions.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, in the contemporary era, with the rapid advancement of technology and the widespread use of social media,
people
Use synonyms
 are getting things handy. They prefer to spend their leisure time
while
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 playing online games, scrolling reels and videos
instead
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 of focusing on
exercise
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 and physical sports.
Secondly
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, the fast-paced lifestyle has changed the eating habits of the new generation.
For example
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, as per the report of the food department of India,
people
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 eat 40% more junk food than they used to
consume
Verb problem
apply
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before 5 years. Having excessive fat in the meal can directly affect their body structure and metabolism.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, the simple and medically suggested most common solution is
exercise
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. Still, it's necessary for the governments to take part in it. It has been seen that gym memberships are too high in some countries that middle-class
people
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 cannot afford having it. Promoting healthy diets, providing discounts on membership fees and opening more goverment operated free
exercise
Use synonyms
 centres can motivate these
people
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 to stay fit.
For example
Linking Words
, in the developed countries like Canada and the USA, the gym operators of these centres offer special joining discounts and cheap rates.
Conclusion
In a nutshell, residents of some nations need to focus on their health and fitness. Limiting junk foods, adapting healthy lifestyle, and doing enough
exercise
Use synonyms
 can help to maintain body shape & metabolism. Individual efforts can ultimately contribute in country's fitness level.

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task response
Explain each cause more fully. For example, say that long screen time means people sit for many hours, burn less energy, and may gain weight.
task response
Make the link to health clearer. Junk food can lead to weight gain, heart problems, and low energy, not only changes in body shape and metabolism.
task response
Your ideas about government help are good, but add one or two more clear actions. For example, schools can give more sport time, and cities can build safe parks and walking paths.
task response
Be careful with facts such as “people eat 40% more junk food”. If you cannot give a real source, use a general example instead: “Many young people now eat fast food more often than in the past.”
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear topic sentence at the start of each body paragraph. For example: “The main causes are inactive free time and poor eating habits.”
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not smooth. “However” does not fit well when you move from causes to solutions. Try “To deal with these problems” or “There are several ways to improve this situation.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating similar words, such as “health and fitness”, “body shape”, and “metabolism”. Use simple changes like “better health”, “a healthy body”, and “an active life”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending match your solution paragraph more closely. Mention both personal action and government action, because both are important in your essay.
task response
You answer both parts of the question. You give clear causes, such as less exercise and more junk food, and you give ways to help, such as free centres and lower gym costs.
task response
Your main ideas are easy to understand. The India food report and the examples of Canada and the USA try to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, causes, ways to help, and ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful linking words, such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “However”, “For example”, and “In a nutshell”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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