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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many parts of the world, children and teenagers are spending more and more of their time indoors. What do you think are the causes of this problem? What measures could best be taken to solve it?

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Introduction
Nowadays, in many countries,
youngers
Check wording
young people
show examples
 are constantly spending most of their
time
Use synonyms
 inside. The essay will discuss that
this
Linking Words
 trend is mainly caused by excessive screen
time
Use synonyms
 technologies, and its solution is promoting outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
One of the main causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem is excessive use of electronic devices. Today, more and more
children
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 and teenagers are becoming addicted to various devices, including smartphones, computers, and tablets. By doing so, they are creating their own comfort zone at home, and are reducing their
time
Use synonyms
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors
. To illustrate,
children
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 do not know
now
Rephrase
apply
show examples
the true happiness when it comes to free
time
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,
such
Linking Words
 as different games and
activities
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out
Change preposition
outside
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 in the
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is how I spent my childhood when I was little, playing with my friends, sister and cousin in the yard, and I was truly the happiest and did not realize.
Instead
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, these days, kids play
computers
Replace the word
computer
 games and talk to virtual friends.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they are spending a lot of free
time
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 on phones, increasing it to 8-10 hours
average
Change preposition
on average
show examples
 every day, especially teenagers.
Moreover
Linking Words
, back in 2020,
due to
Linking Words
pandemic
Correct article usage
the pandemic
show examples
, all the classes were online. Meanwhile,
this
Linking Words
 became regular and now a lot of
youngers’
Check wording
young people’s
show examples
activities
Use synonyms
, like
tutoring
Punctuation problem
tutoring,
show examples
 are online, and
this
Linking Words
 is a more easy and comfortable way to study at home.
Body paragraph 2
One effective solution could be encouraging
children
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 and teenagers to participate in outdoor
activities
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. By setting daily limits on the use of the gadgets, parents will encourage
children
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 to develop healthier habits and become more interested in outside
actions
Check wording
activities
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, parents should spend more free
time
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 with their
children
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out
Rephrase
outdoors
show examples
 and doing different
activities
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,
such
Linking Words
 as picnics or going to diverse music,
family related
Correct your spelling
family-related
 and cultural festivals.
In addition
Linking Words
, there are types of
activities
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 for youngers organized by
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as sports, crafts or
volunteerring
Correct your spelling
volunteering
.
Conclusion
To conclude
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,
children
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 and
teenagers’s
Check wording
teenagers’
show examples
 indoor
time
Use synonyms
 is extremely
caused
Verb problem
influenced
show examples
 by technology.
However
Linking Words
, by providing attractive outdoor opportunities,
this
Linking Words
 issue could be
reduce
Wrong verb form
reduced
show examples
.

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task response
Score: 6. Your ideas are on topic, but develop them in a more direct way. Explain more clearly why screens keep young people indoors, and why each solution will work.
task response
Use fewer personal details. The story about your childhood is nice, but it is long. Add more general examples, such as safe parks, school sports, or lower phone time at home.
task response
Give more than one clear cause. For example, add lack of safe play areas, busy parents, or too much school work.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 6. Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Your first body paragraph has many ideas, so it feels long and less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas smoother. For example: “As a result, children stay at home instead of meeting friends outside.”
coherence and cohesion
Your ending should state both the cause and the solution in full. Say that screen use is one key cause, while family, schools, and local groups can help children spend more time outside.
task response
You answer both parts of the question: causes and ways to solve the problem.
task response
Your main ideas are clear: phone and computer use is a cause, and more outdoor time with family is a solution.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “For instance”, “Furthermore”, “In addition”, and “To conclude”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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