IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Describe online shops threaten traditional shops?with opinions and examples.

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Introduction
Online
stores
Use synonyms
 have affected traditional
shops
Use synonyms
 in many ways today because people are increasingly aware of new technologies in everyday life. In my opinion, modern technology has brought many advantages to online shopping, thereby threatening traditional
shops
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, online shopping has developed dramatically over the
last
Linking Words
 few decades.
This
Linking Words
 development has threatened traditional
shops
Use synonyms
 because online
stores
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 offer better quality, greater convenience, and a wider range of services.
For example
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, in Baghdad, many people spend most of their time using smartphones, making online
stores
Use synonyms
 easier to access and reducing the number of customers visiting traditional
shops
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.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, advertising has attracted more people’s attention to online
stores
Use synonyms
 than to traditional
shops
Use synonyms
. In my view,
this
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 trend will continue to change people’s shopping habits.
Body paragraph 3
Therefore
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, the government should introduce strict regulations to ensure fair competition between online
stores
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 and traditional
shops
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 and to reduce the disadvantages of both.
Conclusion
Overall
Linking Words
, I believe online
stores
Use synonyms
 threaten traditional
shops
Use synonyms
 because they are more convenient and accessible to many people.

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task response
Your main view is clear: online shops can harm old shops. To make the answer stronger, explain more fully how this happens. For example, say that lower prices, home delivery, and many choices can make people stop going to local shops.
task response
Give a fuller answer to the word “opinions”. You can also say whether this change is good, bad, or both. Then explain why some old shops may still do well, such as shops with helpful staff or goods people need at once.
task response
Use more than one clear example. The Baghdad example is useful, but add a real type of shop, such as book shops, clothes shops, or small food shops, and show what happens to it.
task response
The point about better quality is not explained. Online goods are not always better. It may be safer to write about lower cost, more choice, easy price checks, and delivery.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, middle, and end. Make each main part do one job. Put reasons online shops are a threat in one part, then give examples and results in the next part.
coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas with simple words that show the meaning clearly: “First”, “Also”, “As a result”, and “However”. “Furthermore” starts a new point, but the point about ads needs more detail before you move to the end.
coherence and cohesion
The government idea comes very late and is not fully linked to your main answer. Either explain how fair rules could help old shops, or leave this idea out and use the space to develop your main reasons.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea again in the end. Instead, briefly bring together your key reasons: easy buying, lower cost, and more choice.
task response
You give a direct opinion from the start and keep the same view to the end.
task response
The example of people using phones in Baghdad is linked to the topic and helps show why online shops are easy to use.
coherence and cohesion
Your writing is easy to follow because you use clear parts and a short final view.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “To begin with”, “For example”, “Furthermore”, and “Overall” help the reader see the order of your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • the number of shops
  • shop closures
  • shop openings
  • rose
  • fell
  • went up
  • went down
  • changed a lot
  • stayed low
  • reached a high point
  • reached a low point
  • in the first year
  • over the period
  • at the end
  • in contrast
  • while
  • overall
  • there was a rise
  • there was a fall
  • remained stable
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