Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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Many packaged
products
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and concealed drinks involve high amounts of sugar which can
cause
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medical
problems
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to prevent
this
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the
products
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which involve sugar must be overpriced. I totally agree with
this
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statement because it can
cause
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health
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problems
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and the best way to deal with
this
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situation is that increase the price of sugary
products
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. Many
health
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problems
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are caused by packaged sugary
products
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. To illustrate these
products
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, contain various ingredients
such
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as sweet syrup which can
cause
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obesity-related
problems
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.
This
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is because if sugary
products
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are eaten too much, it can
cause
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difficulties
such
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as diabetes and heart disease.
For example
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, many doctors believe that packaged sweet
products
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are the main
cause
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of obesity, diabetes, and heart diseases because the pancreas will have a hard time managing the high level of insulin
also
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known as sugar. The first thing that pops up to mind to decrease
this
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problem is increasing the tax. To elaborate, if these treats are more expensive there will be fewer people who want to purchase them.
Therefore
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, it will be less convenient than before.
For instance
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, in the United States, the government increased the tax on
products
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which had sweets in them.
In contrast
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, the percentage of consumers decreased because they were too expensive to purchase.
Additionally
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, there was a huge decline in
health
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problems
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because it was less consumed than before. In conclusion, I think the main
cause
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of many
health
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difficulties is sweet
products
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and to reduce
this
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problem make them more expensive by adding a high amount of tax.

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Task Achievement
Consider revising your introduction for clarity and flow. Presenting your opinion more effectively at the start can strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph logically connects to the main argument. For instance, the link between increased prices and health benefits could be made clearer.
Task Achievement
Make sure to support all your points with specific examples and evidence. While you mention the tax in the U.S., elaborating on outcomes could strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
You have a clear stance on the issue and present a consistent argument throughout your essay, which is an important strength.
Task Achievement
Your use of examples, such as doctors' opinions on sugary products, provides some empirical support for your argument and enhances your essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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