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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face to face. Is this a positive or negavtive devolopment?

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Introduction
An increasing number of
people
Use synonyms
to talk
Wrong verb form
are talking
show examples
 to their friends online
instead
Linking Words
 of in person. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 is a
negavtive
Correct your spelling
negative
 development which can
to
Verb problem
lead to
show examples
lonliness
Correct your spelling
loneliness
, psychological problems and
also
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of social skills.
Body paragraph 1
One serious problem that can arise from
people
Use synonyms
 socialising online is that it can lead to
lonliness
Correct your spelling
loneliness
.
In other words
Linking Words
, when
people
Use synonyms
 do not interact together in real life might feel
lonley
Correct your spelling
lonely
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
nevertheless
Linking Words
, they are communicating online.
This
Linking Words
 is because meeting friends or relatives in person has a huge impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the body
within
Punctuation problem
, within
show examples
 secrete hormons which can enhance the mood.
For example
Linking Words
, communicating with others
through
Change preposition
apply
show examples
online is
cold
Correct article usage
a cold
show examples
 feeling
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 means there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 no significant impact on
people
Use synonyms
's mood.
Body paragraph 2
Another major concern is that
pychological
Correct your spelling
psychological
 problems can be risky.
This
Linking Words
 is to say, some individuals might face some mental illnesses as a reflection of
using
Verb problem
apply
show examples
communicating online rather than
face to face
Correct your spelling
face-to-face
.
For instance
Linking Words
, when
people
Use synonyms
 do not
socialising
Wrong verb form
socialise
show examples
 together constantly
some
Punctuation problem
, some
show examples
 of them might be more vulnerable than others to suffer from depression
even
Punctuation problem
, even
show examples
 though
are
Correct pronoun usage
they are
show examples
 communicating online.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the cost could be precious
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is their mental health.
Body paragraph 3
A
further
Linking Words
 negative effect is
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 lack of social skills. To put it another way,
loosing
Use the right word
losing
show examples
this
Linking Words
 skill
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is extremely important for individuals to have high quality
life
Punctuation problem
life,
show examples
 has an
enromous
Correct your spelling
enormous
 bad effect.
Linking Words
therefore
Capitalize the word
Therefore
show examples
, they should put themselves
regaurly
Correct your spelling
regularly
 in social situations to remain and
devolop
Correct your spelling
develop
 if
can the skill
Correct word order
they can
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, it can help in many ways
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as getting
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 job through presented themselves brilliantly in
gathering
Correct article usage
a gathering
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 it has become more popular for
people
Use synonyms
 to
socialising
Wrong verb form
socialise
show examples
 through the internet, it has brought about too many problems for
this
Linking Words
 to be considered a
psitive
Correct your spelling
positive
 trend.

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task response
Give a clearer answer in the first part. State that this is a negative change and name the main reasons you will explain.
task response
Your three main points are on topic: feeling alone, mental health, and social skills. Explain each point more fully: say how online talk causes the problem and why face-to-face time helps.
task response
Use real, clear examples. For example, a person may chat every day but still feel alone because they do not share time, body language, or daily activities with friends.
task response
Avoid ideas that are too general, such as saying online talk is a “cold feeling”. Say exactly what is missing and what effect this has.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: introduction, three body parts, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body part more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences clearer. For example: “As a result, they may feel alone even when they send many messages.” This shows cause and result.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use link words when the meaning does not fit. “Nevertheless” is not needed in the first body part. Use “even if” or “although” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each body part has one main idea, an explanation, and one example. Some sentences now repeat the same point or are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
In the last body part, explain social skills in a simple order: less face-to-face talk, less practice, then more trouble in work and social life.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear negative view.
task response
You choose three useful reasons that fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as “For example”, “Consequently”, and “In conclusion”.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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