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Band 5

In some countries a few people earn extremly high salaries. Some people think that this is good for country, while others believe that the government should control salaries and limit the amount people can earn. Discuss both views and give your oppinion.

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Introduction
Individuals earning significantly high wages are considered a small proportion of society in some nations.
While
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 advocates believe that
this
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 is beneficial for the nation, critics argue that the state must regulate and limit people's earnings.
This
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 essay will examine both perspectives and present my own opinion, which is against the approach
narrowing
Change preposition
of narrowing
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 the opportunity to earn drastic money.
Body paragraph 1
Those advocating the extreme finances some people earn point out that personal dedication and
hard-working
Replace the word
hard work
 are crucial reasons for their wages, and
this
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 enhances the economy by increasing the number of ambitious and distinct employees.
In addition
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, these people will mostly invest a large percentage of their finances in diverse sectors,
such
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 as stocks, real estate, and venture capital, which will bring substantial capital to the economy. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in Saudi Arabia's Vision 2030, where both national and foreign direct investments by individuals increased notably by 32 per cent after the entrance of multinational companies that pay high salaries to graduates.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, critics of
this
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 approach believe that
this
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 makes workers reluctant to start their own enterprises and increase job opportunities for graduates, primarily because their financial compensation from their jobs secures a luxurious lifestyle and a bright future for their children.
Moreover
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, limiting the annual
earning
Replace the word
earnings
 of employees motivates them to innovate new methods to solve specific issues that
improves
Correct subject-verb agreement
improve
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 the country's research and development reputation.
For instance
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, accelerating task achievement using innovative technologies, or valuating a company's net value in a short period of time.
Conclusion
In conclusion, restricting the amount of money
citizens could incentivise them
Correct word order
could incentivise citizens
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 to become entrepreneurs.
However
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, I firmly believe that a person's ambition and talent should not prevent
him
Fix the agreement mistake
them
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 from receiving opportunities with appealing financial
compensations
Check wording
compensation
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.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view, so you answer all parts of the question. However, make your view clearer in the first paragraph. Say directly that very high pay should not be limited.
task response
Explain your main ideas more fully. In the second body paragraph, it is not clear why a pay limit would make workers start businesses or create new ideas. Add a clear step-by-step reason.
task response
Use examples that clearly prove your point. The Saudi Arabia example is useful, but explain how high pay led to more investment. The last example is not a full example because it does not name a real person, firm, or event.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, one paragraph for each view, and a conclusion. Keep this strong plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences clearer. For example, after saying that high earners invest money, explain that this can help firms grow, create jobs, and raise tax money.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas do not connect well. The point about workers having a good life for their children does not clearly show why they would not start a business. Replace it with a more direct reason, such as the risk of losing a safe high-paid job.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple and exact linking words. “On the other hand”, “because”, “as a result”, and “for example” will help the reader follow your ideas.
task response
You cover both views and state your own opinion in the conclusion.
task response
Your first body paragraph gives a sensible point: high pay can reward hard work and bring money into the economy.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly shows the topic and tells the reader what the essay will do.
coherence and cohesion
Each main view is placed in its own paragraph, which makes the essay easy to follow.
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