IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, the government pays for health care. In others, the individual must pay for their own health care. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each system.

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Introduction
Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
show examples
 there are many
countries
Use synonyms
 that provide
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
healthcare
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
 for their
people
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 there are many
countries
Use synonyms
 where
people
Use synonyms
 should pay for their
healthcare
Use synonyms
 services.
Body paragraph 1
Today
the
Punctuation problem
, the
show examples
 number of governments
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 attempts to make
free
Correct article usage
a free
show examples
healthcare
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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 it
works not
Correct word order
does not work
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 in the same way as we know. The "free"
healthcare
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
 exists because of the taxes of locals. They pay taxes every month when they get a month salary. The smallest proportion of money goes to the
hospitals
Use synonyms
 and dental
clinics
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 these taxes provide the free
healthcare
Use synonyms
system
Use synonyms
 and
healthcare
Use synonyms
 insurance. It's called
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
healthcare
Use synonyms
 aid by
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
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. 
This
Linking Words
 method has many advantages and disadvantages. The
Government
Use synonyms
 workers and other employees can go to the
clinics
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they don't have to pay. There
many
Verb problem
are many
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 benefits
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as free X-ray pictures, dental
healthcare
Use synonyms
 and other things.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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people
Use synonyms
 should stay and wait their turn on the waiting list.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
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 unemployed
people
Use synonyms
 can't
take
Verb problem
access
show examples
healthcare
Use synonyms
 in these
hospitals
Use synonyms
as
Change preposition
like
show examples
 other
people
Use synonyms
 who work.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are
countries
Use synonyms
 that
offer
Verb problem
allow
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to pay for their medical services by themselves in private
clinics
Use synonyms
. Private
clinics
Use synonyms
 give
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
special advantages
for
Change preposition
to
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 their
clients
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
clients
Use synonyms
 shouldn't wait
they
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 turn
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 clinic's employees make attempts to do their best for
clients
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
, doctors in private
clinics
Use synonyms
 allow
to take their numbers for patients for
Unsplit the infinitive
patients to take their numbers for
show examples
 private
conlsulting
Correct your spelling
consulting
.
For example
Linking Words
, when
people
Use synonyms
 get a
healthcare
Use synonyms
 service for free in the
government
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
clinics
Punctuation problem
clinics,
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 they are not allowed to take
doctors
Check wording
the doctor's
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 phone number. It's a common problem.
However
Linking Words
, even if private
hospitals
Use synonyms
 have many advantages for
clients
Use synonyms
Linking Words
in contrast of
Change preposition
compared to
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 local
governments
Check wording
government
show examples
clinics
Use synonyms
. The only
one
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
reason for choosing local
government
Use synonyms
healthcare
Use synonyms
 aid is the high price of private
hospitals
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
Today, there are many
countries
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as Kazakhstan, Japan,
The
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
South Korea and Italy, where
people
Use synonyms
 can make a choice by themselves.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
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 there are two systems of
healthcare
Use synonyms
. From my point of
view
Add a comma
view,
show examples
 both systems are beneficial and comfortable. I've tried both of them,
Linking Words
however i
Correct word choice
I
show examples
 prefer when
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 take care
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the
government
Use synonyms
 free
clinics
Use synonyms
.

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task response
You discuss both systems, but the main points need more detail. Explain more clearly why free care can help poor people and why paid care can give faster help.
task response
Some ideas are not fully true or are too broad. For example, free care may also be open to people without work. Use words such as “in some countries” or “often” to make your points safer.
task response
Give one clear, real or made-up example for each system. For example, a worker who needs an X-ray, and a patient who pays more to see a doctor quickly.
task response
Your last paragraph gives your view, which is good. However, sum up the good and bad sides of both systems before you say which one you like.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: free care first, paid care next, then your view. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph start with one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. Try: “One advantage is...”, “However, one problem is...”, “In contrast...”, and “As a result...”.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and hold many ideas. Break them into shorter sentences so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “healthcare system”, “people”, and “advantages”. Use simple other words such as “care”, “patients”, “benefits”, and “problems”.
task response
You answer the full question by writing about both government-paid care and private paid care.
task response
You include useful points, such as lower cost in government care and less waiting in private clinics.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraph order is easy to understand, and “On the other hand” helps show a change to the second system.
coherence and cohesion
You give your own view at the end, so the reader knows your choice.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal access
  • financial burden
  • preventive care
  • taxpayer expense
  • wait times
  • overuse
  • competition
  • personal responsibility
  • inequality in access
  • financial devastation
  • necessary care
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