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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The number of older people is increasing. Some people think this is causing problems in their countries while others feel that older people play an important role in society. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
A growing proportion of the
population
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 in many countries is now elderly, a demographic shift that has generated considerable debate.
While
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 some argue that older
people
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 make an invaluable contribution to
society
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 through their
experience
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 and expertise, others contend that an ageing
population
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 places a substantial burden on governments.
Although
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 the elderly can provide significant social and professional benefits, I believe that the financial and institutional pressures associated with
population
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 ageing are ultimately more consequential.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, older
people
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 can make an important contribution to
society
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 because they possess knowledge and
experience
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 that cannot easily be acquired through formal education. In many professions, senior employees play a crucial role in mentoring younger colleagues, passing on practical expertise and helping them develop sound professional judgement. Beyond the workplace, older generations can
also
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 contribute to their communities through volunteering, childcare and other forms of social participation. Their
experience
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 and maturity can
therefore
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 strengthen both professional institutions and
society
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 more broadly.
Nevertheless
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, technological developments have made it increasingly possible to preserve and disseminate knowledge through digital training programmes, online courses and recorded tutorials.
As a result
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, some of the functions traditionally performed by experienced workers can now be replicated or supplemented by technology.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, an ageing
population
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 can create significant economic and social pressures, particularly when the number of retirees rises relative to the working-age
population
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. Older
people
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 are generally more likely to require healthcare and long-term social care, both of which can be extremely expensive to provide. Governments must
also
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 finance pensions and other retirement benefits,
while
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 a shrinking workforce may result in a smaller tax base with which to fund these services.
Consequently
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, public expenditure may have to be redirected towards pensions, healthcare and social care at the expense of other essential areas
such
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 as education, infrastructure and investment. In countries where
population
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 ageing is particularly pronounced,
this
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 imbalance can place considerable strain on public finances and on younger generations who are required to support a growing retired
population
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, older
people
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 undoubtedly provide
society
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 with valuable
experience
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, knowledge and social contributions, and their role should not be underestimated.
However
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, I believe that the rapid growth of the elderly
population
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 creates greater long-term challenges, particularly because of rising healthcare and pension costs and the increasing financial pressure placed on the working-age
population
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. Governments should
therefore
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 seek to benefit from the
experience
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 of older citizens
while
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 simultaneously implementing policies that make ageing societies economically sustainable.

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Task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear view. To make your view even stronger, add one short real example, such as a country where health care or pension costs have grown as the number of old people has risen.
Task response
Your main ideas are clear: older people can teach, help at home, and join local work, while a larger old population can raise health and pension costs. You could also explain one way governments can deal with this, such as helping older people stay in work for longer if they are able to do so.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a very clear shape: an opening, one paragraph for each view, and a closing. The links between ideas are easy to follow. Keep this strong plan in future essays.
Coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs stay focused on one main point. In the first body paragraph, the point about digital courses is useful, but it moves away from the main idea about what older people can give. Make the link clearer by saying that this may reduce, but not remove, the need for their direct help.
Coherence and cohesion
You use linking words well, such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'Consequently', and 'However'. For an even more natural flow, use a few simpler links too, such as 'also', 'so', and 'because', rather than relying on long linking phrases.
Task response
You deal with all parts of the task: you discuss the good role of older people, explain the problems of an ageing population, and state your own view clearly.
Task response
Your ideas are well chosen and well explained. The points about mentoring, child care, health care, pensions, and a smaller tax base are all closely linked to the question.
Coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has a clear main idea and develops it step by step. This makes the essay easy to read.
Coherence and cohesion
The opening gives a clear plan, and the closing restates your view and brings the essay to a proper end.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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