IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays, many people have easy access to computers and a large number of children play computer games.

#people #access #computers #children #computer #games
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Nowadays, a lot of
children
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 can play
computer
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games
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 because getting access to computers is not difficult.
Due to
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 that,
children
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 spend most of their
time
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 playing video
games
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.
However
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, it is not good for their
health
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.
Parents
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 have to provide
education
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 to their
children
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 or give some guidance to them.
To begin
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 with, playing
computer
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games
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 for a long
time
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 has a negative impact on
children
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. It will affect their
health
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such
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 as eye strain, stomach pain and so on. In fact, excessive gaming will have consequences for our eyes.
Moreover
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, they are used to ignoring the schedule of eating, which can make them get sick .
For instance
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, a child plays a game for 10 hours every single day.
As a result
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, they get eyesight and bodily
health
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 problems.
Finally
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, it will disturb their academic process. To minimize the impact of
this
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 case,
parents
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 must maintain the activities of their
children
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. It would be better if they helped the
children
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 to make a schedule.
For example
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,
parents
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 give
education
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 about the danger of online gaming addiction. They can
also
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 give some guidance about how to manage their
time
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 between studying and playing
games
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.
Hence
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, applying
education
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 about managing
time
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 for
children
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 is one of the best ways to overcome
this
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 problem.
To sum up
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, I totally believe that excessive
computer
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 gaming has a negative influence on
children
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's future prospects. It has potential
health
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 problems and academic risks.
Furthermore
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, the role of
parents
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 is the main point of
this
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 case.
Parents
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 should give
education
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 and guidance to their
children
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 so that the negative impact of
computer
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 gaming can be avoided.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that the essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The introduction should outline the main points to be discussed, each body paragraph should focus on a single main point with support, and the conclusion should summarize the essay's main arguments.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices appropriately to help the reader follow the argument. These include connectors, pronouns, and referencing words. Avoid overusing these devices, as this can make the essay feel mechanical.
task achievement
Develop each main point in sufficient depth with explanations and examples. While the essay mentions some effects of computer games on health and the role of parents, it would benefit from more detailed examples and explanations of these points.
task achievement
Stay on topic throughout the essay, ensuring all content is relevant to the question. You touched on the key issues but could further explore the implications of computer game usage, the balance between play and work, and the ways these can be addressed.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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