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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some scientists recommend that formal education should start at the age of 4 or 5. In some countries it is recommended that formal education should start at 6 or7. Discuss and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Several scientists believe that
children
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 aged 4 or 5 should start formal education,
while
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 others feel that it should be started at 6 or 7. There are valid arguments on both sides, which I will discuss in my essay below.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, proponents of starting at 4 or 5 argue that educational programs at these ages are substantial, since
children
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's brains at these ages tend to be ready to absorb new information.
This
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 is believed because
children
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 are already able to speak properly and express their thoughts.
For instance
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, many
children
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 in Indonesia attend kindergarten at the age of five, where they learn basic letters, numbers, and social skills through structured activities.
Hence
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, they would understand what their teachers ask them to do.
In addition
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, scientists have proven that early childhood is a crucial period for cognitive development, in which
children
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 easily remember lessons and will not forget materials in the long term.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, it might be said that
children
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 aged 6 or 7 are more suitable for starting formal education because they are generally more prepared for the demands of school. They should have enough experience at home before joining school.
This
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 is related to the education systems that each country has, where some schools might implement a method in which students should convey what they have experienced in front of other students like presentation.
Thus
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, they need more experience with their family in order to speak in front of the class.
Conclusion
In summary, some people believe that 6 to 7 is the perfect age for some reason.
However
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, I personally feel that
children
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 aged 4 or 5 are imperative to maximise the development of
children
Use synonyms
's brains through exposure to materials.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view, so you answer all parts of the task. Make your own view clear in the first paragraph too. Say early school should start at 4 or 5, then keep this view clear to the end.
task response
Give more full support for each main idea. For the first view, explain how early school can help children learn words, numbers, and how to work with other children. For the second view, explain more clearly why time at home helps a child get ready for school.
task response
Some claims are too broad. For example, do not say scientists have proven that children will not forget lessons for a long time. Use softer words such as “may help” or “can help”, unless you give clear proof.
task response
The Indonesia example is useful, but explain its link more fully. Show how play, group work, and simple class tasks can help five-year-old children before they enter primary school.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first one view, then the other view, then your final view. Keep this plan, but make the main point of each paragraph more direct in its first sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “This means that...”, “As a result,...”, and “For this reason,...”. These links will help the reader see why each example supports your point.
coherence and cohesion
The second main paragraph is less clear than the first. The idea about children speaking in front of the class needs a stronger step-by-step link: more time at home may build confidence; then children may feel more ready to speak at school.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “this” when the reader may not know what it means. Name the idea again, for example, “this school method” or “this need for home experience”.
task response
You cover both sides of the question and state your own view in the final paragraph.
task response
Your example of kindergarten in Indonesia is linked to the topic and helps make the first view more real.
coherence and cohesion
The use of “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In summary” gives the essay a clear shape.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph stays mostly focused on one main view, which makes the essay easy to follow.
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