IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Children should not have their own mobile phones or smartphones when they are in elementary school Do you agree or disagree with this statement ? Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

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Introduction
Nowadays, almost everyone
having
Wrong verb form
has
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 their own gadget, ranging from
children
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 to
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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.
However
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, there is an argument that says mobile
phones
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 should not
for
Verb problem
be for
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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kids
Use synonyms
 to have. In fact, I agree as it brings many negative impacts on their behaviour.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, smartphones can create a high dependency. In
this
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 case,
children
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 can be addicted to it, and
this
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 issue can lead them to have
behavioral
Change the spelling
behavioural
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 problems. If they were lost control
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 games, fast-paced videos on the internet, or even prohibited adult
contents
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content
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, they probably would face
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of social skills.
For example
Linking Words
, they will not know how to interact with real people as they are
in to
Correct your spelling
into
 their
phones
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.
Moreover
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,
this
Linking Words
 dependency
also
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drive
Correct subject-verb agreement
drives
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 them to have lower focus
to do
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on doing
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 the school homework.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, having their own mobile
phones
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 can lead to
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
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 lifestyle.
This
Linking Words
 is
also
Linking Words
 related to addiction
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 they are too focused on their online world,
Use synonyms
children
Correct word choice
and children
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 can be less active. Imagine if they do not have gadgets, parents can encourage their
kids
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 to go
outdoor
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outdoors
, like playing soccer, swimming, or even going to the park and flying kites with their friends.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I agree with the statement that
children
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shoud
Correct your spelling
should
 not have their own smartphones.
Although
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 parents lend their
phones
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 to be played by the
kids
Use synonyms
, they need to control the screen time
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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carefuly
Correct your spelling
carefully
 monitor the
kids
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' online mobility. Even more, they
also
Linking Words
 need to push their
children
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 to be more active
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the real world.

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task response
Make your view more exact in the first part. Say that you agree that most children in elementary school should not own a phone, rather than saying phones are simply not for kids.
task response
Give one more real and clear example. For example, explain how a child may stop doing homework or stop playing with friends because of phone games.
task response
Your two main ideas are good: too much phone use and less active time. Explain each idea one step more: phone use can cause poor sleep, less school work, and less time with family and friends.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: first point, second point, and end. Keep this order, but make the first sentence of each body part state the full main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example: “As a result”, “This means that”, and “For this reason”. Do not repeat “In this case” too often.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar is not clear. Write shorter sentences, such as: “Children may spend too much time on games. As a result, they may find it hard to focus on homework.”
task response
You clearly give your opinion and keep the same view from the start to the end.
task response
You use relevant ideas about phone addiction, school work, social skills, and outdoor play.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “To begin with”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • distraction
  • focus
  • homework
  • content
  • bullying
  • dependence
  • social
  • activities
  • sports
  • hobbies
  • healthier
  • control
  • technology
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