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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Shopping is becoming more and more popular as a leisure activity. However, some people feel that this has both positive and negative effects. Why is shopping so popular? What effects does its increase in popularity have on individuals and on society?

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Introduction
Shopping nowadays is a hobby that most
people
Use synonyms
 have included in their everyday routine
, even
Punctuation problem
. Even
show examples
 though shopping seems like a simple and harmless
activity
Punctuation problem
activity,
show examples
 it could be a negative experience for some
people
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, shopping is a popular activity because it brings a
lot
Use synonyms
 of fun and could help a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 relax by just going to the store to find something they need or to look for something that they like.
For example
Linking Words
, going out with your friends or family to buy something could help you with your stress and relax you,
therefore
Linking Words
its
Correct pronoun usage
it's
show examples
 an interesting way of
socializing
Change the spelling
socialising
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 and expressing opinions.
Moreover
Linking Words
, today we have access to many different products, brands and different types of accessories that could let us express our personalities with our style.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
, the effects of shopping on our society have a good outcome
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
also
Linking Words
 there are some bad aspects that come with it
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 excessive waste of money and over consumption.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 there are some bad parts, positive results have a better impact on society.
For instance
Linking Words
, individuals can shop online from home without having to visit a shopping
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
,
Linking Words
such as
Correct word choice
and
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 ads and marketing for influencers or bloggers could
their
Verb problem
advance their
show examples
 career a
lot
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 with advertising.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, popularity in shopping helps a
lot
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a
Change preposition
in a
show examples
society that has many stores, to illustrate
the
Correct word choice
that the
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 opportunity of jobs increases the country’s unemployment rate, and the economic situation in that country.
This
Linking Words
 can be seen in the
successful
Replace the word
success
 of the stores, by paying taxes and rent.
Conclusion
In conclusion, spending money
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 different shops could increase your confidence and help you relax after a busy week.
In addition
Linking Words
,
every one
Correct your spelling
everyone
 benefits from shopping, the
stores
Check wording
store's
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 success,
country’s
Correct article usage
the country’s
show examples
economics
Check wording
economy
show examples
 and popularity and the
people
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 who buy the clothes. So
event
Use the right word
even
show examples
 though shopping could have bad parts, there are more positive consequences

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task response
Answer all parts of the question in a clear way. Explain why shopping is popular, then show both good and bad effects on people and on society.
task response
Give a clearer bad effect on people. For example, some people may spend too much money, buy things they do not need, or feel sad when they cannot buy what they want.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Say how shopping helps people relax, and explain why this may be good. Then explain how too much shopping can cause money problems and waste.
task response
Use examples that fully make sense. The part about online shopping, ads, and bloggers is not clear. Explain who gets help and how they get help.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Make the plan even clearer: one part for reasons, one for effects on people, and one for effects on society.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The second body paragraph moves from online shopping to bloggers, jobs, taxes, and rent too quickly.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “Firstly”, “Moreover”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” help, but the ideas after them must connect clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Make the final paragraph match the main body. Do not say that everyone gains from shopping, because you also wrote about waste and too much spending.
coherence and cohesion
Check full stops and spaces after them. For example, write “opinions. Moreover,” and “week. In addition,” so the reader can follow your ideas more easily.
task response
You give reasons for why shopping is popular, such as fun, rest, time with friends or family, and showing personal style.
task response
You include both good and bad effects, including jobs and money problems.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • leisure activity
  • consumer culture
  • emotional satisfaction
  • consumerism
  • advertising influence
  • online shopping platforms
  • sense of pleasure
  • social interaction
  • boost the economy
  • compulsive shopping
  • materialism
  • environmental degradation
  • unsustainable demand
  • social inequalities
  • status through possessions
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