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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A recent study showed people in developed countries are not as happy as they were before development. What are the causes of this and what are some possible solutions?

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Introduction
A research
Correct determiner usage
Research
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 has been conducted in
the
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apply
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recent times, which shows that individuals are not as happy as they were before development. Clearly, there could be many causes for it. In
this
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 essay, we will be discussing some causes and possible solutions as well , which
people
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 could adapt to live a better
life
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.
Body paragraph 1
As we know
that
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apply
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, technology and other advancements
has
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have
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 made
life
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 very
fast paced
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fast-paced
 and automated.
Although
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 the evolution of technology has made the
Use synonyms
life
Check wording
lives
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 of
people
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 easy , everything is accessible through a small mobile phone, and more dependent on machines , but it
also
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 comes with cons.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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,
people
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 nowadays are busy
in
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apply
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making more money , trying to fit in the materialistic world ,
are
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and are
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 in
the
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a
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 constant race of comparing themselves to
other
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others
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. Individuals
dont
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don't
 have time to spend with their loved ones and even themselves. Before the technology revolution ,
life
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 was slow and simple, families used to spend quality time with each other , children used to read books and play physical games ,
people
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 had
valueable
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valuable
 relations , truly based on love and friendships.
Additionally
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 , social media has made it worse
,
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;
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 it has ruined
mental
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the mental
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 health of young adults , and now they suffer from anxiety and depression.
Body paragraph 3
Talking about the solution ,
We
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we
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 have lost the pure connection that we
use
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used
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 to have with
people
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. As a social animal , we need to get out of our materialistic and worldly bubble, and try
intereacting
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interacting
 with
people
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 more and build real
realtionships
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relationships
. We need to have a proper and sustainable
work
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work-life
life
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 balance, limit the use of social media,
try
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and try
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 spending more and more time with loved ones.
In addition
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 to that, Individuals ,
specially
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especially
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 young
adults
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adults,
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 need to understand that
,
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apply
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everyone has their own fair share of struggles, responsibilites and success, So we need to stop comparing our lives with others and take therapy seriously , if needed.
Conclusion
In the
last
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, we just need to be
little
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a little
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 less dependent on
this
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 advanced world in order to make our lives slow and happy again. Implementing small changes in our daily
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 would make a big difference in the long term.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task. You give causes, such as fast life, money, social media, and less time with family. You also give solutions, such as less social media, more time with loved ones, and help from a doctor.
task response
Make your main ideas more clear and full. Explain how each cause makes people less happy. For example, say that long work hours can leave people tired and can reduce time for rest, friends, and family.
task response
Use one or two real, clear examples. For example, describe a worker who checks social media after work and then feels bad when they compare their life with others.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, causes, solutions, and ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph. For example: “One main cause is the pressure to earn and buy more.” Then keep the whole paragraph on this one idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are very long and have many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences. This will make the links between ideas easier to see.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words like “However”, “As a result”, “For example”, and “Therefore” can show the link between cause and result more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeated ideas and words, such as “materialistic” and “real relationships”. Say the point once, then add an explanation or example.
task response
You give useful and relevant causes and solutions, and your ideas stay on the main topic.
task response
Your solutions are practical, especially better work-life balance, less social media, and more time with family and friends.
coherence and cohesion
The four-paragraph plan works well, and the final paragraph gives a clear ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful links between ideas, such as “Moreover”, “Additionally”, and “In addition to that”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • urbanization
  • technological advancements
  • social isolation
  • communication tools
  • work-related stress
  • material wealth
  • consumerism
  • economic status
  • meaningful experiences
  • relationships
  • environmental concerns
  • pollution
  • climate change
  • overpopulation
  • mental health
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • physical health
  • mental health problems
  • anxiety
  • helplessness
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