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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, a small number of people earn extremely high salaries. Some people believe that this is good for the country, but others think that governments should not allow salaries above a certain level. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
There's an ongoing debate about whether earning extremely high
salaries
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 is beneficial for the nation or
governments
Correct word choice
whether governments
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 should restrict
salaries
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 at a certain level.
Although
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 both perspectives have some merit, I believe that allowing people to earn immensely higher
salaries
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 is more profitable for the
country
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, as it can motivate them to work for their
country
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 and
makes
Wrong verb form
make
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 people feel that their efforts are properly rewarded.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, governments should impose a salary cap because extremely high
salaries
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 are not necessary in every sector. Some occupations do not require highly skilled
individuals
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 or significant responsibilities, which means that exceptionally high
salaries
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 may not be justified. To ensure that
salaries
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 are reasonably aligned with
employees
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' skills and duties, government intervention is needed.
For example
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,
employees
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 who receive high
salaries
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 despite having limited skills or responsibilities may have little
motivitation
Correct your spelling
motivation
 to develop their abilities
further
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.
This
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 could discourage professional development and create an unfair disparity between highly paid and lower-paid workers.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, I believe that allowing
individuals
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 to earn extremely
higher
Correct word choice
high
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salaries
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 will be beneficial for the
country
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 as they get rewarded for their efforts. Some sectors may have critical
responsibilites
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
, when
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employees' gets
Correct subject-verb agreement
employees get
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 higher
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salaries
Punctuation problem
salaries,
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 they will tend to retain and work harder to maintain it.
This
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 results
into
Change preposition
in
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 economic growth of the
country
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. Military personnel, professional cricketers, and
individuals
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 in various other professions play an important role in representing and bringing recognition to their
country
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. When they get paid
higher
Rephrase
more
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, it eventually results in greater motivation and
feel
Correct pronoun usage
they feel
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 valued.
Therefore
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, allowing
individuals
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 to
make
Verb problem
earn
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 higher wages in some sectors
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
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 more benefits for the
country
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 imposing a salary cap could ensure fairer pay, I believe that allowing
individuals
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 to earn exceptionally high
salaries
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 is more beneficial for a
country
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.
This
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 is because attractive remuneration can reward
employees
Use synonyms
 for their efforts, motivate them to perform better and contribute to economic growth.

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task response
You discuss both sides and clearly give your own view. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why a pay limit would help the country, not only why some jobs may not need high pay.
task response
Your main view is clear, but some points need more detail. For example, show how high pay leads to more growth: it may keep skilled people in the country, help firms get the best workers, and lead to better work.
task response
Use examples that fit your point more closely. The example of military staff is not fully clear because their pay is often set by the state. You could use doctors, top engineers, or business leaders instead.
task response
Be careful not to repeat the same idea of reward and drive too often. Add a different reason, such as high taxes paid by very high earners or the need to keep top talent from moving abroad.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. Keep this shape, but make the first line of each body part state the main point more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are weak or unclear. For example, change "This results into economic growth" to a fuller link: "As a result, their better work can help firms grow and support the wider economy."
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You already use "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" well. Add simple links inside each part, such as "First," "Also," "For this reason," and "As a result."
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence has a clear subject and verb. For example, write "When employees get higher pay, they may stay in the job and work harder" rather than "when employees' gets higher salaries they will tend to retain."
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear phrases such as "extremely higher salaries" and "When they get paid higher." Use "extremely high salaries" and "When they are paid more." This will make your meaning easier to follow.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain both views and give a clear final view.
task response
Your ending matches your main view and gives clear reasons: reward, harder work, and growth.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow, and each body part looks at one main side of the debate.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as "On the one hand," "On the other hand," and "In conclusion," which help the reader follow the essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • incentivize
  • discrepancy
  • inequality
  • social cohesion
  • equitable distribution
  • wealth concentration
  • talent retention
  • global competitiveness
  • social unrest
  • innovate
  • government intervention
  • salary cap
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