IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Training 65-year-olds to use computers would be a good way to use government money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is often argued that it is beneficial for the
government
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 to teach elderly
people
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 how to
use
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computers
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. I completely disagree with
this
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 statement because the
government
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 should find other ways to spend public
money
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. For many
people
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 aged 65 and above, learning to
use
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 a computer can be quite difficult and requires a considerable amount of time and
money
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.
Body paragraph 1
One major reason is that elderly
people
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 are generally more vulnerable and may have difficulties learning new skills. As
people
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 get older, their ability to remember and understand new information can become weaker.
Therefore
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, learning how to
use
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computers
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 and other digital devices may be challenging for them.
Instead
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 of spending a significant amount of
money
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 on computer courses, the
government
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 could invest in hospitals, medical equipment and financial assistance for older citizens. These activities could have a more meaningful impact on their quality of life and help them live more comfortably.
Body paragraph 2
Another important reason is that spending too much time using digital devices may not be suitable for some elderly
people
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. Older
people
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's bodies can become more susceptible to health problems, and sitting in front of a computer for long periods may cause eye strain, back pain and other physical discomfort.
Furthermore
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, some elderly
people
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 may not need
computers
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 in their daily lives because they are accustomed to traditional ways of communicating and obtaining information.
For
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this
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 reason, governments should focus on providing them with comfortable and peaceful living conditions rather than requiring them to learn complicated technologies.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I completely disagree that teaching
people
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 aged 65 and over to
use
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computers
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 is a good way to spend
government
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money
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. I believe that public funds should
instead
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 be allocated to healthcare, financial support and other services that can directly improve the lives of elderly
people
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.

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task response
Your view is clear from start to end: you do not agree. To make the answer stronger, show more clearly why computer lessons are less useful than health care or money help. You can also say that some older people may still need basic computer skills for health, bank, or family contact, then explain why this should not be the main use of public money.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but they are quite general. Add one short, real-life example in each body part. For example, an older person may need help with hospital costs, or may use a computer to speak with family who live far away.
task response
Be careful with broad claims such as older people having weaker memory or not needing computers. Use words like “some” or “many” more often, because people aged 65 and over are not all the same.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this strong plan. Each main part has one main point and then gives reasons for it.
coherence and cohesion
Your linking words are easy to follow, such as “Therefore”, “Instead”, “Furthermore”, and “For this reason”. You could use a wider set of simple links, such as “Also”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In contrast”, so the flow feels less repeated.
coherence and cohesion
In the second main part, the idea about health problems from long computer use is not fully linked to the question of government money. Make the link direct: say that money for long computer classes may bring less help than money for care, home help, or health checks.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same clear view throughout the essay.
task response
Your points about health care, money help, and daily life are relevant to the use of public money.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader your view, and the ending repeats it in a clear way.
coherence and cohesion
The main parts are well ordered, and each one starts with a clear main idea.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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