IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#emphasis #education #students #government #money #time #activities #people
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In the modern era, many parents motivate their
kids
Use synonyms
 to do better in their academic performance.
Whereas
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 certain groups of people believe that authorities should spend money on recreational
activities
Use synonyms
 for young
kids
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 to do in their spare
time
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. I completely agree with
this
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 statement and in
this
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 essay, I shall explain my reasons for
this
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 belief. Some parents want their
kids
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 to concentrate on their studies rather than wasting their
time
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 on fun
activities
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. If children do well in their school they will have successful careers.
For example
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, one study published in the Times Of India newspaper that students who have excellent grades in their study they take their tasks at jobs more seriously and responsibly.
Moreover
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, It is evident that individuals who are spending more
time
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 on their studies have significant chances of health and mental issues like anxiety and depression. On the flip side, I believe that the government should take the initiative to build fun
activities
Use synonyms
 at parks or in community centres.
This
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 development motivates
kids
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 to spend their leisure
time
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 in playgrounds.
For example
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, people who do physical
activities
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 generally stay away from mental and health issues.
Additionally
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, individuals can enhance their physical capabilities
along with
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 mental enhancement. It is true that people who participate in CoCuricular
Activities
Use synonyms
 stay on top in every sphere of life.
To conclude
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, It is not wrong to say that study plays a dominant role in
person's
Correct article usage
a person's
show examples
 life but physical and mental fitness can not be sacrificed for the sake of ranking at educational centres.
Submitted by lovjotsandhu1 on

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coherence cohesion
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task achievement
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coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly identifies the writer's position on the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay concludes effectively, reiterating the central argument and broadening the discussion slightly.
task achievement
The task response is generally complete, addressing the prompt thoroughly.
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