IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that young people should be required to receive full-time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
There are debates about full-time
education
Use synonyms
 for the youth until they reach the age of 18. I partly agree with that statement, as
education
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 is an essential part of everyone’s life, especially when they are under 18.
However
Linking Words
, forcing young people to
study
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 in that routine can limit their freedom in their career path
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it can be unsuitable for them to
study
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 in an academic way,
due to
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 their passion for more practical and professional skills.
Body paragraph 1
Full-time
education
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 has many benefits for
students
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 in terms of better career opportunities.
Students
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 who
study
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 until 18 have enough knowledge for adult life. They improve their social and teamwork skills by being surrounded
with
Change preposition
by
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 different people. They get skilled for certain jobs by completing their secondary school
education
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 and
getting
Verb problem
going
show examples
 to
universities
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university
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 to obtain qualifications required for jobs,
such
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 as medicine, teaching or IT.
For instance
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, people who stay in full-time
education
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 until 18
,
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apply
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 have more opportunities to get a skilled job and higher salaries in the future.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there are
also
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 some drawbacks for those
students
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,
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apply
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 for whom it is unsuitable to
study
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 because of financial issues. Long-term
education
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 requires a lot of money for
students
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, especially for those who help their
family
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families
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 by doing a bit of extra work.
Moreover
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,
this
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 type of
education
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 can be inappropriate for
students
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 who love practical training and
do
Verb problem
are
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 not
get
Verb problem
apply
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used to
traditional
Correct article usage
a traditional
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 academic curriculum. Specifically, for those who want to become mechanics, it is more relevant to get experience on practices,
instead
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 of studying it
a
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for a
show examples
while
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the choice of studying in full-time
education
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 depends on the student's
want
Check wording
desire
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 of
whom
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 he
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
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 to be in the future and his family’s financial situation.

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task response
Your view is clear: you partly agree. To make it stronger, say more clearly what should happen instead. For example, young people could stay in school or take a work training course until 18.
task response
Develop each main point more. Explain why school skills help in adult life, and explain how work training can help young people who do not learn well in a normal class.
task response
Your example about medicine, teaching, and IT is useful. Add one more real example for practical work, such as a young person learning to be a mechanic through school and work training.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the ending state your own view more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: “First,” “Also,” “However,” “As a result,” and “For this reason.” Do not use too many links in one part.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the words are not in a clear order. Write shorter sentences and make sure each sentence has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “students” and “education” too often. You can use “young people,” “schooling,” “this system,” or “they” when the meaning is clear.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give a clear reason for each side.
task response
The points about jobs, money, and practical skills are all closely linked to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your body parts are well ordered: benefits come first, then problems.
coherence and cohesion
The words “For instance,” “On the other hand,” “Moreover,” and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • comprehensive education
  • intellectual growth
  • emotional growth
  • social growth
  • evolving job market
  • specialized knowledge
  • extended education
  • reducing inequality
  • essential competencies
  • vocational training
  • economic impact
  • financial constraints
  • infrastructure
  • stress and burnout
  • personal aspirations
  • career aspirations
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