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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

People have the right to know about crimes committed in their communities, but publishing too much information can cause unnecessary fear. To what extent should crime-related information be made public?

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Introduction
It is often argued that
people
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 should have access to
information
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 about crimes committed in their communities.
However
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, I personally agree with
this
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 view to a reasonable extent because crime-related
information
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 can increase public awareness and improve accountability.
Body paragraph 1
The primary reason why I agree with
this
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 view is that crime-related
information
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 can increase public awareness.
This
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 is mainly because
people
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 can learn about possible dangers in their local areas and take appropriate precautions.
In other words
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, accurate
information
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 about crime can help residents become more careful about their personal safety.
For example
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, if local authorities report a series of robberies in a particular neighbourhood, residents may become more careful when going outside at night.
As a result
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,
people
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 can take timely action to protect themselves.
Therefore
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, crime-related
information
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 should be made public when it is relevant to public safety.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, another important reason why I agree with
this
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 view is that publishing accurate
information
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 can improve accountability.
This
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 is because public
information
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 can encourage authorities and institutions to deal with crimes responsibly and transparently.
For instance
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, if the media reports a serious crime and provides reliable
information
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 about the investigation, the relevant authorities may face greater public scrutiny.
Consequently
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, they may be more responsible in dealing with the case.
Therefore
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, I strongly agree that important crime-related
information
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 should be made public.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly agree that
people
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 should have access to relevant
information
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 about crimes committed in their communities.
This
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 is mainly because crime-related
information
Use synonyms
 can increase public awareness and improve accountability.

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task response
State your position more clearly. You say you agree “to a reasonable extent”, but later you say you “strongly” and “firmly” agree. Choose one clear view and keep it through the essay.
task response
Give more space to the other side of the question. Explain what kind of crime news can cause fear, such as many reports about rare crimes or news that gives too much detail.
task response
Answer “to what extent” in a more full way. Say what information should be public, who should share it, and what limits should be used to keep people safe from fear.
task response
Make your examples more exact. For example, explain that police could share the place, time, and safety steps after robberies, but should not share names or unproved claims.
coherence and cohesion
Your four-part plan is clear: opening, two main parts, and ending. To make it stronger, make each main part lead back to your main view about limits on public crime news.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea many times. “Crime-related information can increase public awareness” is repeated in the first main part and in the ending. Add new detail instead.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Words such as “Furthermore”, “For instance”, and “Consequently” work well, but some sentences begin with “Therefore” when they only repeat the point.
coherence and cohesion
The second main part is clear, but it needs one more step. Show how public checks can help police act well without making the public feel scared.
task response
You give a clear main view and support it with two useful ideas: public safety and checks on those in power.
task response
Your robbery example is on topic and shows how local crime news can help people act with care.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow. Each main part has a clear first sentence, an explanation, an example, and a short ending sentence.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending match well, and the main ideas appear in a clear order.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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