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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor.Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Introduction
These days, an increased number of
people
Use synonyms
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
tend to use
alternative
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 treatments
instead
Linking Words
 of visiting their usual
doctor
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. Some
people
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 believe that
this
Linking Words
treatment
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 is cheaper and more convenient,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that visiting a
doctor
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 is
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
essential for identifying
health
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 problems. I believe
that is
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 a negative development because taking
medicines
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 without
advice
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 from a qualified
doctor
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 may
dangerous
Verb problem
be dangerous
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
alternative
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treatment
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 can be more convenient and less expensive.
That is
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 to say, some
people
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 can take
advice
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 from online, which is easy to access at any time or from members who have the same experience before. Despite that,
alternative
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treatment
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 is not safe to follow medical prescriptions found online.
For example
Linking Words
, some individuals tend to search for the fastest and easier ways to be a fit, but some products or
advice
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 may cause a negative effect on
people
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 are allergic to certain
medicines
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.
In addition
Linking Words
, some
health
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 need a
doctor
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,
that is
Linking Words
 to keep an sure about drugs do not mix together.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, visiting doctors may help to detect
health
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 problems early and treat them.
In other words
Linking Words
, some diseases are difficult to notice, which means they require examination by a specialists.
For instance
Linking Words
, specialists can investigate certain diseases that are difficult to detect and identify them at an early stage.
Moreover
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, doctors have experience and modern digital tools to
diagnosis
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diagnose
, so there is no need to suffer from the issue for a long time and try unbeneficial
treatment
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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alternative
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medicines
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 can be cheaper and more convenient, I think that relying on them without professional
advice
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 could be a negative development. Taking unsuitable
medicines
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 can cause serious
health
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 problems, so
people
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 should consult a qualified
doctor
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 when necessary

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task response
Give your view more clearly in the first paragraph. You say this is negative, but explain in one short line why it is worse than the good sides.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic: cost and ease on one side, then safety and early checks on the other. Make each idea more full by showing how a wrong choice can lead to harm or late care.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, a person may use an online drug for pain, but it may not be right for their health problem or may not work well with other drugs.
task response
Be careful with the word 'alternative'. It can mean care such as herbs, massage, or other non-doctor care. Online advice is not always the same thing. Make this link clear.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the first main part easier to follow: state the good side, then state the risk, then give one example.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. 'However' is better than 'Despite that' before the safety point. Also use 'For this reason' or 'As a result' to show the effect.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to understand because parts are missing. For example, write: 'Some health problems need a doctor to make sure that drugs do not mix badly together.'
coherence and cohesion
Avoid long or unclear word groups such as 'from members who have the same experience before'. Write: 'from people who had the same problem'.
task response
You answer the question and keep a clear negative view from the start to the end.
task response
You give useful reasons for your view, such as wrong drugs, drug mixing, and the need to find health problems early.
coherence and cohesion
Your four-paragraph plan is easy to see: introduction, two main paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicines
  • treatments
  • positive development
  • negative development
  • health problems
  • usual doctor
  • access
  • personalized approach
  • holistic well-being
  • lack of regulation
  • evidence-based research
  • proper medical treatment
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