IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people argue that a growing number of young people spend too much time watching television. Why does this phenomenon happen? And what kind of activities should be encouraged to them?

7.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
It is often argued that an increasing number of young
people
Use synonyms
 spend excessive amounts of time watching
television
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 trend can be attributed to several factors,
such
Linking Words
 as the easy availability of
entertainment
Use synonyms
 and a lack of alternative
activities
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, young
people
Use synonyms
 should be encouraged to participate in
sports
Use synonyms
, creative hobbies and social
activities
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
.
Body paragraph 1
One major reason for
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon is that
television
Use synonyms
 provides an easy and convenient form of
entertainment
Use synonyms
. After studying or working for several hours, many young
people
Use synonyms
 prefer to relax by watching movies,
television
Use synonyms
 shows or online programmes.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the widespread availability of streaming services has made
entertainment
Use synonyms
 accessible at any time. Another contributing factor is the lack of recreational facilities in some communities. When young
people
Use synonyms
 do not have access to affordable
sports
Use synonyms
 centres, libraries or community programmes, they may spend more time at home watching
television
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, some busy parents allow their children to watch
television
Use synonyms
 because it keeps them occupied
while
Linking Words
 they complete their own responsibilities.
Body paragraph 2
To reduce excessive
television
Use synonyms
 viewing, young
people
Use synonyms
 should be encouraged to take part in more active and productive
activities
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, schools and parents can motivate them to participate in
sports
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as football, swimming or cycling, which can improve their physical health and teamwork skills. Creative
activities
Use synonyms
, including reading, painting, playing musical instruments and cooking, should
also
Linking Words
 be promoted because they can develop useful skills and stimulate creativity.
Moreover
Linking Words
, joining clubs or community groups can help young
people
Use synonyms
 build friendships and improve their communication skills. By providing these alternatives, parents and schools can help young
people
Use synonyms
 develop healthier lifestyles.
Conclusion
In conclusion, young
people
Use synonyms
 watch too much
television
Use synonyms
 mainly because it is an easily accessible form of
entertainment
Use synonyms
 and because they may have limited alternatives.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they should be encouraged to participate in
sports
Use synonyms
, creative hobbies and social
activities
Use synonyms
 that can benefit their physical, mental and social development.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the question well. To make the response even stronger, explain more about why each activity is better than watching TV. For example, say how a club can give young people a sense of group and purpose.
task response
Your ideas are clear and stay on the topic. Add one more real or clear example, such as a school sports day or a local art group, to make the points feel more full.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and a clear end. Each paragraph has one main job, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your link words, such as “Furthermore”, “Moreover”, and “In addition”, help the reader. Try not to use too many in the same way. You can also link ideas by using words like “this” or “these activities” to make the flow more natural.
coherence and cohesion
The main points are well supported. You could make the link from a cause to its result more direct. For example, explain that no local sports place means young people stay at home, so TV becomes their main free-time choice.
task response
You give clear reasons for too much TV time: easy access, few other things to do, and busy parents.
task response
You suggest useful activities, including sports, hobbies, and group activities, and you explain the good sides of each one.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is very clear: causes first, then ways to help, followed by a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Topic sentences guide the reader well, especially “One major reason” and “To reduce excessive television viewing.”
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive television viewing
  • screen time
  • a sedentary lifestyle
  • easy entertainment
  • parental supervision
  • busy working parents
  • streaming platforms
  • on-demand content
  • form a habit
  • safe public spaces
  • affordable leisure facilities
  • outdoor activities
  • team sports
  • after-school clubs
  • creative hobbies
  • reading programmes
  • community centres
  • healthy routines
  • limit screen time
  • social interaction
What to do next:
Look at other essays: