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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

People are now living much longer lives than before and many feel we should remain in the workforce for longer. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Some believe that in
this
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 modern era, many individuals live longer years and want to
work
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 more in the workplace. I disagree with
this
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 because
this
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 will increase the
unemployment
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rate
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 , and employers could suffer from financial crises after keeping experienced
employees
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.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, when
people
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work
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 for longer periods of time in
companies
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, the
unemployment
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rate
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 will rise . To illustrate, younger
people
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 will look for job opportunities in a big organization but older
people
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 will continue working in the firm.
This
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 trend will bring the
unemployment
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 crisis in the world.
For instance
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, in India,
people
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 retire from government jobs when they turn 60 years old, but later on, they get a job on contract from the same
company
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due to
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 their connections and experience, and
this
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 trend has raised the
unemployment
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rate
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 in the nation.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
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,
people
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 should not
work
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 for a long period in the
company
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 because
then
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 organisations can suffer financial problems, as when experienced
employees
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 keep working with the
company
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, the organisation has to increase their pay as per government rules. To clarify,
companies
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 will not make that much profit from those senior
employees
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, but they have to pay a high pay
rate
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 to keep them.
For example
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, during the COVID-19 pandemic,
companies
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 paid their
employees
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 even when their businesses were slow
due to
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 the low volume of customers, and
after
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this
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, those firms went through big losses.
Conclusion
In conclusion, some
people
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 think that some individuals who have lived for many years should
work
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 in
companies
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 for a long time. I disagree because
this
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 trend will bring the
unemployment
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rate
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 in the nation , and
also
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,
company
Use synonyms
 owners will have to suffer from heavy losses.

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task response
Your view is clear: you disagree. However, explain more why longer working lives must lead to fewer jobs for young people. In some cases, firms can grow and make more jobs, so your point needs more support.
task response
Make your second main point more exact. High pay for older workers is possible, but not all workers get more pay only because they are older. Explain why firms cannot use part-time work, new roles, or planned retirement.
task response
Use examples that fit each point more closely. The India example is useful, but it needs a clearer link to jobs that young people could have had. The COVID example is less direct because firms paid workers of all ages, not only older workers.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the link from each example back to your main idea clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer linking words inside long sentences. For example: “As a result, fewer jobs may be open to young people.” This makes the cause and result easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea many times, such as “work for a long period” and “work for longer periods of time.” Use short, direct wording: “stay in work longer.”
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion repeats your view well. Make it stronger by briefly naming the two reasons in a more natural way: fewer jobs for young people and higher costs for firms.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same view from the introduction to the conclusion.
task response
You give two main reasons and include examples, which helps show your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are easy to see, and each body paragraph has one main point.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Firstly,” “Secondly,” “For instance,” and “In conclusion” help the reader follow your essay.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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