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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some school leavers travel or work for a period of time instead of going to iniversity deirectly

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
These days
education
Punctuation problem
, education
show examples
 plays
crucial
Correct article usage
a crucial
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 role in children’s
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
, some youngsters tend to have a gap year after graduating high school
instead
Linking Words
 of going to
university
Use synonyms
 directly
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they prefer to work or travel
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
this
Linking Words
 period of time .
This
Linking Words
 trend has both advantages and disadvantages in
this
Linking Words
 situation
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will be
discuss
Wrong verb form
discussed
show examples
 in the following paragraphs
Body paragraph 1
The first and foremost thing that should be discussed is that students can gain more life experience, because during
this
Linking Words
 time, they work, travel or participate in different projects
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 helps them to improve their new skills.
For example
Linking Words
, a student may work
part-time
Correct article usage
a part-time
show examples
 job and learn
problem solving
Correct your spelling
problem-solving
 and communication
skill
Check wording
skills
show examples
 with different people
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 a
result
Punctuation problem
result,
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 they
becomes
Correct subject-verb agreement
become
show examples
 more confident in their lives.
Moreover
Linking Words
, when they are working
Linking Words
while
Change preposition
during a
show examples
 gap year
they
Punctuation problem
, they
show examples
 are able to earn money and learn how to manage money.
For example
Linking Words
, most of the children are unable to pay for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
university
Use synonyms
 expenses.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
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 they
becomes
Correct subject-verb agreement
become
show examples
 more independent
Body paragraph 2
In contrast
Linking Words
 ,
After
Correct determiner usage
after a
show examples
 long-term break, it
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
 difficult to concentrate in lectures if they
study
Use synonyms
 in
university
Use synonyms
, because after a long period away from studying, they might lose their academic performance and
study
Use synonyms
 habits
.for examples
Punctuation problem
. For example,
show examples
 most of them forgot the basic foundations of the subjects
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
As a result
Linking Words
, their interest to
study
Use synonyms
 decrease.
Also
Linking Words
, they fall behind their peers.
While
Linking Words
 they are travelling or working after graduation, their classmates may continue to
study
Use synonyms
 and gain knowledge.
Conclusion
In conclusion, taking a gap year after graduation is highly advantageous for
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 before going
Use synonyms
university
Change preposition
to university
show examples
 because of the
facts
Check wording
fact
show examples
 that increase life experience and
manage to
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 manage money.

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Task response
Answer both sides in the same way. Your last part says the gap year is very good, but you also give clear bad points. Say which side is stronger and why.
Task response
Make your main ideas more clear. For example, explain how work can help a young person choose the right subject at university.
Task response
Your examples fit the topic, but add more detail. Say what job the student does, what they learn, and how this helps later at university.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep one main idea in each paragraph.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You can use “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” to show the path of your ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences join too many ideas. Make them into two or three short sentences so the meaning is easy to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Check that the end matches the whole essay. It should sum up both the good and bad sides before giving your own view.
Task response
You write about both the good and bad sides of taking a gap year, so you address the main task.
Task response
Your points about life skills, money, study habits, and falling behind other students are on topic.
Coherence and cohesion
The order is easy to understand: introduction, good points, bad points, and conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use useful signposts such as “For example”, “Moreover”, “In contrast”, and “In conclusion”.
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