IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Most people agree that money cannot buy happiness. Do you think people can be happy without money? What other factors contribute toward happiness?

#people #money #happiness #factors
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It has been argued whether
money
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 can buy
happiness
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 for individuals. It is admitted that it is impossible to live without
money
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.
However
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, it does not mean that being wealthy leads to a happy life.
To begin
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 with, most modern people believe that
money
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 does not have a significant role in being happy. To illustrate, prehistoric people survived and lived happily without
money
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. In order to clarify it, a variety of experiments have been conducted over the
last
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 two decades, one of which shows that the level of
happiness
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 is not related to
money
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. As an example of
this
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 view, an uncle of mine is a carpenter but he does not earn much more
money
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 to sustain his family. Despite
this
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, he and his family are happier than people with lots of
money
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. I mean that
happiness
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 is not measured regarding wealth.
In addition
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, there are some other factors of feeling a sense of
happiness
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 as well. One of them is being healthy in life. Namely, health is a key to
happiness
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 and humans cannot achieve true
happiness
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 without it. Having relationships with family members, relatives and friends is another key factor of
happiness
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.
In other words
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, a person cannot be happy alone and without health.
For example
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, most celebrities end up living unhappily after all owing to the intent of making a fortune. By giving
this
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 example, I would like to prove that even though they have a large amount of
money
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, they feel unhappy and lonely. In conclusion, there are several other elements that contribute to
happiness
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 in our lives and we should care about them rather than just
money
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.
Submitted by saydusmonovasomiddin94 on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt, but the argument could be more fully developed with additional examples and explanations. To improve task achievement, ensure your response fully answers all parts of the question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has logical structure, but transitions between ideas can be more fluid. To enhance coherence and cohesion, employ a wider range of linking words and phrases to guide the reader more smoothly from one idea to the next.
lexical resource
You have used a good range of vocabulary, but there is room for more precision and variety in word choice. Lexical resource improvement can be achieved by using synonyms and less common words relevant to the topic.
grammatical range and accuracy
The essay demonstrates an understanding of complex grammatical structures, yet the accuracy and range can be improved. Regular practice of varied sentence structures and thorough grammatical review will enhance this criterium.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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