IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Modern buildings appear in large numbers, but some people believe that we should build our buildings in traditional styles. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is a controversy among citizens about the theme of
buildings
Use synonyms
, traditional or modern style. In my opinion, I largely prefer the modern style as a better lifestyle provider for people to live. I will discuss both points of view and why I prefer new urban styles.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, Modern
buildings
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 include many advantages that make the life of their citizens easier. New
buildings
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 covered a very small
area
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 of land because
buildings
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 are built vertically rather than horizontally
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
this
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 structure can carry more people in the same piece of land.
This
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 makes it easier for the governments to provide water and electricity supplies for all people at a low cost.
For instance
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, cities like Shanghai and Dubia known for their tall skyscrapers, have more population in a small
area
Use synonyms
 than other countries.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
Linking Words
, traditional homes have their own concept and theme, but with many disadvantages that struggles development process of urban civilisations. One of the main disadvantages is transportation, which takes way too long distances because of the huge
area
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 that traditional
buildings
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 take
.
Verb problem
up.
show examples
Also
Linking Words
, another obstacle is facilities, governments need to provide more hospitals, schools and parks because of the large piece of land it takes to cover people’s needs.
For example
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, Cairo is one of the biggest population cities that faces daily transportation difficulties
due to
Linking Words
 its huge, scattered
area
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; any day trip is a whole journey.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly prefer modern building concepts because of the benefits they deliver to urbanisation. Traditional
buildings
Use synonyms
 are good for tourism, they
also
Linking Words
 give the place a cultural identity, but the disadvantages are more than the advantages.

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task response
Make your main view more exact. Say if you agree fully or only in part, then keep this view clear in all parts.
task response
Talk more about why old styles should still be used in some places, such as old town areas or sites with a strong past. This will make your answer more complete.
task response
Explain each main idea one step more. For example, say how tall homes can save land, and why this can help people and the city.
task response
Your examples need to be more exact. Do not say that a whole country has more people in a small area. Name a city and clearly link it to your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. To make the flow better, begin each part with one short main idea and keep all the next lines on that idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words more carefully: 'First', 'However', 'Also', 'For example', and 'As a result'. This will show the link between ideas more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences so the reader can follow your meaning with ease.
coherence and cohesion
Keep word choice the same. Use 'modern buildings' and 'traditional buildings' often, instead of changing to unclear words such as 'new urban styles' or 'theme'.
task response
You give a clear personal view and support it with useful ideas about land, travel, water, and power.
task response
You use real city examples, which helps make your points feel more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has a main topic, and the conclusion returns to your main view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural preservation
  • regional styles
  • aesthetic value
  • intricate craftsmanship
  • stood the test of time
  • incorporate new technologies
  • sustainable materials
  • environmentally friendly
  • space utilization
  • functional design
  • open floor plans
  • access to natural light
  • versatile spaces
  • blending traditional and modern styles
  • cultural heritage
  • contemporary advancements
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