IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Topic: Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

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In the modern era, life is full of worries and tensions, and there is a waste of country resources on abstract
art
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 taken by
authorities
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. Meanwhile, myriads of factors need the government's attention like food, transportation, education, and living resources. I would agree with the statement.
This
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 essay will shed light on my perspectives as far as I am concerned I am in
favor
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favour
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 of the latter notion.
To begin
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 with, improving public service is a fundamental task for organizations
as well as
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 residents
due to
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 the significance of the country's GDP.
Furthermore
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, there are several ways to improve life like hospitals, educational sectors, controlling environmental pollution, and transport.
However
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, the
authorities
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 maintain the budgets that will be used for future betterment; and provide opportunities to young people, increasing the salary packages.
For example
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, the governments of New Zealand focus on health care and give scholarships to the natives to
fulfill
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fulfil
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 their dreams.
Hence
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, investment by
authorities
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 boosts the educated environment which helps to reduce the crime ratio. Probing ahead,
art
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 is the reflected image of society, and investing by organizations in
art
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, music, and dramas is important because that depicts the heritage values to the upcoming generation.
In addition
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,
authorities
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 should engage in these activities which is the icing on the cake for people, but more focussed on other aspects.
For instance
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, South Korea is one of the developed countries because their
authorities
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 manage all factors in a well-mannered way like school,
art
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, film, habitat, and transportation.
To sum up
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, the government should be more concerned about food, institute formation, and vehicle formation but
also
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 take responsibility for maintaining the vintage culture that increases the importance of states.

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General
Your essay has a clear structure, but the logical flow can be improved. Try to make smoother transitions between points and ensure all ideas are fully developed.
Task Achievement
Focus on clearly supporting each point with detailed examples and explanations. For instance, further explain how government investment in public services directly impacts citizens' quality of life.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on your sentence structure and grammar to reduce minor errors. This will enhance the readability of your essay.
Introduction
Your introduction sets the stage for the discussion effectively, clearly stating your position.
Examples
You used specific examples such as New Zealand's focus on healthcare and education, which strengthen your arguments.
Conclusion
You have a conclusion that summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance, which ties the essay together well.
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