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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The main purpose of education is to develop individuals rather than to benefit society as a whole. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays,
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 goal of schooling
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 to help each student
individuals
Replace the word
individually
, not to help society. I
compeletly
Correct your spelling
completely
 disagree with the statement, because
education
Use synonyms
 will provide benefits for both individuals and the
environment
Use synonyms
 as well.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, studies will allow
student
Check wording
students
show examples
 to achieve better
job
Check wording
jobs
show examples
 in life.
Education
Use synonyms
 is one of the
easier
Replace the word
easiest
 and faster way to get
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
. People with higher
qualification
Check wording
qualifications
show examples
 are allowed for some job
interview
Fix the agreement mistake
interviews
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instead
Linking Words
 of having years of
experienece
Correct your spelling
experience
.
For example
Linking Words
, Google will hire students with
Correct article usage
a master
show examples
master
Check wording
master's
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 degree without previous
experiences
Check wording
experience
show examples
, and jobs like these,
education
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 will help to
achevie
Correct your spelling
achieve
 them.
In addition
Linking Words
,
education
Use synonyms
 will provide most of the information about how to behave in society, what is good ,what is bad and how to keep
Use synonyms
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
 clean.
This
Linking Words
one
Verb problem
is one
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 of the
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 why every human being
required
Wrong verb form
requires
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 to
acheive
Correct your spelling
achieve
 personal goals and at the same time keep society safe.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the government should try to provide
eduaction
Correct your spelling
education
 to every
citizens
Fix the agreement mistake
citizen
show examples
. Because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 higher
eduaction
Correct your spelling
education
 will automatically increase countries economy.
For example
Linking Words
, more educated people in
nation
Correct article usage
a nation
show examples
 will lead to
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
more jobs,
means
Correct pronoun usage
which means
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 more
taxe payers
Correct your spelling
taxpayers
.
At the end
Linking Words
 government budget will increase, so
education
Use synonyms
 is not
individual
Correct article usage
an individual
show examples
 problem, it is
public
Correct article usage
a public
show examples
 issue.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
increased
Replace the word
an increase
 in
litercies
Correct your spelling
littering
 will help keep surrounding clean, so that aurority need
spend
Verb problem
to spend
show examples
less
Correct determiner usage
as much
show examples
 money
keep
Verb problem
to keep
show examples
Use synonyms
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
higzen
Correct your spelling
higher
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the main purpose of
education
Use synonyms
 was never denfits only individual people. It is
combination
Correct article usage
a combination
show examples
 of helping citizens to reach their goals using
education
Use synonyms
 and at the same time keeping
Use synonyms
environment
Correct article usage
the environment
show examples
 clean and safe.

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task response
State your view in a more direct way. You disagree, so make clear that education helps both people and society, not only one side.
task response
Develop each main idea more fully. Explain how better jobs can help society, such as through tax, new work, and a stronger economy.
task response
Use examples that are clear and safe. The Google example may not be true in all cases. A general example about trained nurses, teachers, or engineers would be stronger.
task response
Some points repeat the idea of keeping the environment clean. Add other ways education helps society, for example less crime, better health, and better public life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. However, the first main part mixes help for people and help for society. Give each part one clear job.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Try: 'First', 'Also', 'As a result', and 'For this reason'. Make sure the next sentence clearly follows the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Write clearer topic sentences. For example: 'Education helps people find better work.' Then explain this idea before moving to society.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences so your meaning is easier to follow.
task response
You give a clear opinion and stay on the main topic.
task response
You include ideas about jobs, tax, the economy, and public life. These are useful points for this question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses clear paragraphing: an opening, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful linking words, such as 'On the one hand', 'For example', 'In addition', and 'Furthermore'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • personal development
  • individual potential
  • practical skills
  • career prospects
  • financial independence
  • make informed decisions
  • equal opportunities
  • a skilled workforce
  • economic growth
  • social responsibility
  • active citizens
  • public well-being
  • contribute to society
  • meet public needs
  • reduce crime rates
  • access to education
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