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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think increasing business and cultural contacts between nationals is positive. Others think it leads to the disappearance of national identity. Discuss both views and state your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that it is an advantage to
rise
Verb problem
raise
show examples
 the
business
Use synonyms
 and
cultrual
Correct your spelling
culture
 between the
counteris
Correct your spelling
countries
.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that it is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
beneficial to have a sharing
business
Use synonyms
 and cultrual relation across many
nationals
Use the right word
nations
show examples
, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
contact with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
outsiders will have a potential negative impact, which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
leads to forgetting the
Use synonyms
country
Check wording
country's
show examples
 identity.
Body paragraph 1
Linking Words
this eassy
Correct your spelling
This essay
 will analyse
this
Linking Words
 topic from both points of view and express my opinion.
Body paragraph 2
On one hand,
strengthen
Wrong verb form
strengthening
show examples
 the relationships with other countries in
business
Use synonyms
 and traditional
will
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sectors will
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 be a great investment for every
country
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, inviting
famous
Correct article usage
a famous
show examples
 company to your
country
Use synonyms
 and
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 them
strart
Correct your spelling
start
 their
business
Use synonyms
 will
be
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a good impact on the local market, which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will lead to a significant improvement
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the local
business
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, when the other
country
Use synonyms
let
Correct subject-verb agreement
lets
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 you open your
business
Use synonyms
 in their
country
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 will make you secure a good market share and,
therefore
Linking Words
, your
economy
Use synonyms
 will rise.
For example
Linking Words
, when Apple
company
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apply
show examples
opened in Saudi Arabia, a good market share
has been
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 secured by almost 100 millions dolar.
Body paragraph 3
On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, the
cultural
Replace the word
culture
 may vanish
when
Correct word choice
if
show examples
 the
country
Use synonyms
did
Wrong verb form
does
show examples
 not take care of it. It is possible to say that, if there is no
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
periodic reminder and advertisements of the
cultrual
Correct your spelling
culture
 in every
nantional
Correct your spelling
national
 event,
this
Linking Words
 will make the
country
Use synonyms
 lose it is Identity.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if there is no
Use synonyms
economy
Replace the word
economic
 exchange among the countries,
this
Linking Words
 will make the relationship
unuseful
Correct word choice
useless
show examples
. For
isntance
Correct your spelling
instance
, a poor
country
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try
Correct subject-verb agreement
tries
show examples
 to have a
benficial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 exchange with a very rich
country
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, there will not be any
benifits
Correct your spelling
benefits
 for the poor
country
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 because they are not
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same level.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
Linking Words
 question. On balance,
however
Linking Words
, I tend to
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good relationships with other countries
in your
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 same level of
economy
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 will have a great impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 your
economy
Use synonyms
 and will not make your identity
dissappear
Correct your spelling
disappear
 if you take care of your
cultural
Replace the word
culture
 and remind your citizens about it.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view, which is good. However, make your main view clearer from the start and keep it the same to the end.
task response
Explain each main idea more fully. For example, say how trade can create jobs, bring new skills, and help local firms. Then explain how people may copy outside ways and use less of their own language, food, dress, or art.
task response
Use examples that clearly prove your point. The Apple example is not clear and the money figure does not show how business contact helps a whole country. Use a simple, clear example or explain the result in more detail.
task response
The point about poor and rich countries does not answer the question about national identity well. Replace it with an idea about schools, public events, local media, or laws that help keep national culture safe.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. Keep this shape, but make each body paragraph focus on one main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Start body paragraphs with direct topic sentences. For example: 'Business contact can help a country grow.' Then give reasons and an example. In the next paragraph, write: 'However, close cultural contact can weaken national identity.'
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are not clear. Use simple linking words such as 'First', 'Also', 'However', 'As a result', and 'For example'. Do not use 'Moreover' to add an idea that does not fit the paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words, such as 'country', 'business', and 'cultural'. You can use 'nation', 'trade', 'culture', 'local ways', and 'traditions' when the meaning is clear.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present benefits, risks, and your own opinion.
task response
Your final view is balanced: contact with other countries can help the economy, while culture can stay strong if people protect it.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader that both views will be discussed, and the ending gives a clear final position.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and basic linking words such as 'On one hand', 'In addition', and 'For example'.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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