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Band 4.5

Some people believe that reading books is more useful than watching television. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that reading
books
Use synonyms
 is more useful than watching
television
Use synonyms
. Both issues are important depending on time, spending, and personal preferences.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, reading
books
Use synonyms
 has
it
Correct determiner usage
its
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 type of
people
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 and followers.
People
Use synonyms
 who believe that reading
books
Use synonyms
 is more useful than watching
television
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 actually
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have their own views.
This
Linking Words
 is because reading
books
Use synonyms
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 their vocabulary through writing and that
reflect
Correct subject-verb agreement
reflects
show examples
 their knowledge,
whereas
Linking Words
 watching
television
Use synonyms
 affect on their eyes.
For example
Linking Words
, novelists who practice a lot of reading skills show more successful novels than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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watching
Wrong verb form
watch
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television
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, reading is one of
important
Correct article usage
the important
show examples
 skills that
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
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 to
mastered
Verb problem
be mastered
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
more
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 than watching
television
Use synonyms
. Reading
books
Use synonyms
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
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 around three
month
Fix the agreement mistake
months
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, each day three hours to master the skill
..
Punctuation problem
.
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 From my perspective, reading
books
Use synonyms
 is more useful than watching
television
Use synonyms
, because it helps to be talkative, intelligent, and productive.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, watching
television
Use synonyms
 decreases their ability to focus on other materials.
In other words
Linking Words
, because of a lot of entertainment, they will lose
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 their interest in reading
books
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
television
Use synonyms
decreases
Correct subject-verb agreement
decrease
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 their ability to concentrate on maths, sciences and fiction.
As a result
Linking Words
, they need to reduce watching
television
Use synonyms
 to half an hour a day. From my point of view, they need to focus on knowledge
information
Correct word choice
and information
show examples
 and
minimize
Change the spelling
minimise
show examples
 the entertainment
serious
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, both views need to
managed
Verb problem
be managed
show examples
 and monitored regularly. I believe that regular time of reading
books
Use synonyms
 around 200 pages a month
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 is enough to be social,
whereas
Linking Words
 watching
television
Use synonyms
 20 minutes on useful topics and 10 minutes for entertainment is beneficial.

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task response
You discuss both reading and television, and you give your view. However, the television side is mostly about its bad points. Also explain why television can be useful, for example for news, learning shows, or seeing the world.
task response
Make your main idea more clear: books are usually more useful, but good television can also teach people. Then give one clear reason and one example for each side.
task response
Some examples are too general. For example, explain how a person can learn new words from a book, or how a science show can help a student learn.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and an ending. This is a good plan. Make each main part start with one clear idea, then add reasons and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Try: On the one hand, On the other hand, For example, However, and Therefore. Do not use too many links in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same point in each paragraph. The second main part moves from television to study and then to advice about time. First explain the value of television, then say why too much television may be a problem.
coherence and cohesion
Make the ending short and direct. Repeat your view and sum up both sides. Avoid adding new details about pages and minutes at the end.
task response
You answer the full question by writing about books, television, and your own view.
task response
Your view is clear: you believe reading books is more useful.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraph breaks and include both an opening and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use links such as “For example”, “Therefore”, and “On the other hand” to join your ideas.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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