IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people argue that technological inventions, such as mobile phones, are making people socially less interactive. Do you agree or disagree?

5.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Some people say that technological inventions,
such
Linking Words
 as mobile phones, are making people socially less interactive. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Body paragraph 1
There is an ongoing debate over whether high-tech innovations, particularly digital
devices
Punctuation problem
devices,
show examples
 increase the likelihood of social interaction. Personally, I mostly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 idea,
Linking Words
however
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
there are still some undeniable factors to take into consideration, and the reasons will be explained in the following essay.
Body paragraph 2
First and foremost,
although
Linking Words
 technology has already put our lives
into
Change preposition
at
show examples
 ease, in a way we could have never imagined, it brought several issues with itself. Excessive use of electronic means of communication may lead you to become socially isolated, especially
If
Fix capitalization
if
show examples
 you put it
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the centre of your life. Because, in
this
Linking Words
 case, people give their full attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the countless amount of information, ignoring the
stimulus
Check wording
stimuli
show examples
 happening around them in the real world.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is specifically exacerbating for introverts.
For instance
Linking Words
, an asocial person who already does not prefer communicating face-to-face a lot may begin to lack interpersonal skills.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
Linking Words
, we have instant access to information,
as well as
Linking Words
 social media through our phones
that
Correct pronoun usage
, which
show examples
 enables us to keep in contact with anyone, at any time, and anywhere. Those mobile apps have versatile functions in which you can share viral videos, exchange messages,
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 react to your friends’ posts. A clear example can be acquaintances living abroad, and posting their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 on their feed. In
this
Linking Words
 case, you
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not only follow their daily lifestyles,
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
but also
show examples
 contact
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them either by voice or video calls.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite some reasonable negative statements about the use of technological advancement
influencing
Rephrase
negatively influencing
show examples
 badly on the on-face interaction, I still support the idea that it
offered
Wrong verb form
offers
show examples
 us
wide
Correct article usage
a wide
show examples
 range of resourceful features if its users have the digital literacy.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main view more direct in the first paragraph. Say that you mostly disagree because phones can help people stay in touch, but too much use can harm real-life talk.
task response
Explain each main idea a little more. In the first body paragraph, show how phone use can stop people from talking to family, friends, or people nearby. In the second, explain why online contact is still real social contact.
task response
Use a more clear example. For example, say that a person who moves abroad can speak to parents by video call each week, so they can still feel close.
task response
Your last paragraph should repeat your view in a simple way. Do not add a new point about digital skills there unless you have explained it before.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: one bad side, then one good side. Make the link to your main view clearer by saying which side is stronger at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use short, clear link words. For example: “However,” “As a result,” “For example,” and “In contrast.” Avoid very long sentences with many ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key ideas. Use “social interaction,” “face-to-face talk,” and “online contact” in a clear way. Do not switch too often between “social media,” “apps,” “phones,” and “technology” when you mean the same thing.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. For example, write “people focus on information on their phones and ignore what is happening around them” instead of a longer form.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view.
task response
Your examples about shy people and friends who live abroad fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear opening, two body paragraphs, and a closing paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful link phrases such as “First and foremost,” “Moreover,” “On the other hand,” and “In conclusion.”
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • technology
  • mobile phones
  • social interaction
  • communication
  • connection
  • texting
  • calling
  • meeting
  • friends
  • social media
  • face-to-face
  • personal bonds
  • weaken
  • engaging
  • environment
  • less inclined
  • meaningful
  • reliance
  • settings
  • individuals
What to do next:
Look at other essays: