IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reason for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development

In recent times, extensive use of Mobile phones during leisure time has become ubiquitous.
However
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, it is difficult to consciously reduce the usage of digital gadgets. I think that
,
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apply
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 there are various causes related to
this
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 and
such
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 kind of harmful societal tendency is significantly a disadvantageous development. The primary reason is the addictive nature of digital devices and their capability to steal valuable time.
Due to
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 the appealing software applications, attractive games and other necessary features, every age group
people are thinking
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thinks
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 that it is essential to complete the day-to-day activities in an effective manner.
Moreover
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, young students are encouraged to use smartphones for their academic purposes,
thus
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 enabling them to surf through the unnecessary content which are available on the websites.
For example
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, to handle household expenditures
such
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 as bill payments, booking and paying EMIs and taxes, digital devices are predominantly used. Even though there is an unavoidable need for technology, a major concern associated with
this
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 is sacrificing our health.
Furthermore
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, many young children are suffering from vision problems and the glasses are being worn by a majority of them. Young professional's health is still worsening gradually
due to
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 the lack of physical activity and concentrating more on unwanted information which leads to more anxiety. To illustrate
this
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, many corporate firms have implemented gadget-free environments to assist employees with chronic mobile addiction and to increase
overall
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 productivity. In conclusion, not only the mobile usage deteriorate well-being but
also
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 it severely affects the lifestyle of people. In terms of mental health, it heavily impacts the family bonding and the relationships.
Overall
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, technology must be wisely utilized in order to have positive growth.

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coherence and cohesion
While your introduction presents the topic effectively, consider rephrasing for clarity and conciseness. For example, you could simplify your first sentence to make a stronger impact.
task achievement
Your main points are relevant and clear, but they could be further supported with more specific examples or data to strengthen your argument. Expand on your ideas and provide context.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion summarizes your points but could be more definitive in stating your overall opinion and summing up the implications of your arguments. Aim for a stronger concluding statement.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, stating that smartphone usage in leisure time is a negative development. This clarity of opinion is commendable.
coherence and cohesion
You used a range of vocabulary and sentence structures, which enhances the overall readability and engagement of your essay.
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