IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Despite better access to education, many adults today still cannot read or write. In what ways are they disadvantaged？ What can governments do to help them

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Many
adults
Correct word choice
adult
show examples
 people do not have the ability to read or write
inspite of
Change preposition
despite
show examples
 having better access to
education
Use synonyms
. The reason behind
this
Linking Words
 trend is the less encouragement from the
parents
Use synonyms
. The action
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should take to prevent
this
Linking Words
phenomenom
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
 is to hold
parents
Use synonyms
 accountable for their childrens'
education
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
A
Correct article usage
An
show examples
 enormous number of people do not know how to read and write despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
having an
oppotuniry
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 to be educated
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the reason is less parental encouragement.
Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 are very busy with their employment and personal life
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they hardly have any time for their offspring.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 often end up abandoning their studies. Without their
parents
Use synonyms
 to lead them the right way, they might end up having little to no
education
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, in Australia, the secondary school is often free ,
still
Correct word choice
but
show examples
 many
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 drop out
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 school because of the lack of
accountabilty
Correct your spelling
accountability
 from the
parents
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
The
governement
Correct your spelling
government
 should encourage
parents
Use synonyms
 to
enforce
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
 to get
Use synonyms
education
Correct article usage
an education
show examples
. The
parents
Use synonyms
 should be
resposible
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for the
education
Use synonyms
 of their
children
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should be vigilant about monitoring it. If the
parents
Use synonyms
 need to report
about
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the
education
Use synonyms
 of their offspring to the public authority, they might take that seriously and encourage the
children
Use synonyms
 to get their
education
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the
education
Use synonyms
 rate of
southern asia
Correct your spelling
South Asia
 is higher
beause
Correct your spelling
because
 of the parental
envolvement
Correct your spelling
involvement
 in terms of
children
Use synonyms
's
education
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 that area.
Conclusion
In conclusion, in many place many people do not get
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 even after having
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
access
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 it
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the reason behind
this
Linking Words
 is the less accountabilty from the
parents
Use synonyms
 and
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should make
parents
Use synonyms
resposible
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for their childrens'
education
Use synonyms
 so that they can prevent that.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts of the question. Your essay explains why some people may not study, but it does not clearly explain how adults who cannot read or write are hurt. Add points such as: they may not get good jobs, read health notes, use public services, or help their children at school.
task response
Keep the main focus on adults today. Much of your essay is about children leaving school. You can use this as a cause, but link it back to adult life: children who leave school may become adults who cannot read or write.
task response
Give more than one clear government action. Parent checks may help children, but adults also need help now. Suggest free adult classes, night classes, local learning places, child care, travel help, and simple online lessons.
task response
Make examples more clear and safe. The Australia and South Asia examples are very general. Explain what happened, or use a simple made-up example, such as an adult who cannot read a job form.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. In each body part, begin with one main idea, explain it, then give an example and link it back to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between ideas. For example: “As a result, they may leave school early.” “This can cause problems in adult life.” “To help these adults, the government can...”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same idea many times, such as parents being responsible for education. Use the space to add the missing effects on adults and more ways the government can help.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph sum up both answers: the problems adults face and the help the government should give. Do not add a new reason in the last paragraph.
task response
You give a clear view about parent support and suggest one government action.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas, which is a good habit in this kind of essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the basic plan.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “therefore”, “for example”, and “in conclusion” help show links between some ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: