IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Today, many people use the internet and smartphones to transfer money to friends, family, and businesses. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #internet #smartphones #transfer #money #friends #businesses #development
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Nowadays, most individuals send their money to trading,family and acquaintances with their phones and network connections.From my perspective,it is an absolutely positive development for society and in
this
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 essay, I discussed the main two reasons. First of all, making transactions online is very convenient for people who
have
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do have
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 not much
time
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 to go to
banks
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.
Moreover
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,
bank
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 branches can be far away for most visitors.
For example
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, some businessmen want to open a business in another country and there may not be a branch of their
bank
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 there,in
this
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 situation online
bank
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 service will be the solution because reaching the
bank
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 in person is impossible at that
time
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,and only they need is stable Internet connectivity.
In addition
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, it will greatly save
time
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 for clients
as well as
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 for employees of
banks
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. Specifically, the main part of work would be executed by AI and robots,
while
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 humans will be exempted from hard and dirty jobs.
Secondly
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 ,using electronic transfer can let us do it at any
time
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 of the day and year even on weekends.
Thus
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,
banks
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 working hours and any holiday closings do not disturb people’s transitions.
For instance
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, I want to purchase a New Year's gift and
consequently
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, all the
banks
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 are closed ,
however
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, I can just use a
bank
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 app which works 24 hours a day and makes a transfer immediately by just pressing a couple of buttons. In conclusion, in my view using smartphones for transferring money online makes people’s lives more easier and convenient because they do not need to worry about
banks
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' working hours and locations.
Submitted by rghdbyby47 on

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task achievement
Your essay begins with a clear introduction and presents your opinion effectively. However, including a concise background or context about the rise of online transactions would make the introduction stronger.
task achievement
While your main points are relevant and specific, they could be developed further. Adding more detailed examples or statistics would create a stronger argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, which guides the reader on what to expect in the paragraph. This will help improve the logical flow of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay’s structure is generally good, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Use linking words and phrases to help the reader follow your argument seamlessly.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, which sets a strong foundation for the essay.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples to back up your points, making your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your points and reiterates your stance, which provides a satisfying end to the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-organized with distinct paragraphs for each main idea, contributing to its overall clarity.
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