IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The popularity of fast food is increasing, especially among younger people. What are the cause for this trend? Is it a positive or negative development?

6.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
In recent years,
people
Use synonyms
 have been able to purchase a variety of
food
Use synonyms
 beyond country boundaries because of increasing globalisation. State-nations promote economic interdependence, and specifically, major fast
food
Use synonyms
 chain stores have spread worldwide and have served their product.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
,
in particular
Linking Words
 the youth, frequently eat fast meals
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 some of them become obese or suffer from other lifestyle diseases. I assume
this
Linking Words
 trend results mainly from the availability of
such
Linking Words
 kinds of
food
Use synonyms
, and
this
Linking Words
 factor negatively affects our daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Body paragraph 1
Concerning the first point, fast
food
Use synonyms
 attracts particularly younger generations because of its price and taste. Fast
food
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as hamburgers, potatoes, and nuggets are sold at an affordable price in various shops, grocery stores, and supermarkets.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they are tasty, so some
people
Use synonyms
 often eat these products with beverages. In Japan, a lot of students and young workers take out their breakfast or lunch from McDonald's because the company offers various set menus, hamburgers and appetisers with a cup of coffee or tea, ranging from 500 yen to 900 yen, and the stores are located in almost all prefectures. They choose fast meals as their daily meals to save money, and avoid waitingin along line to eat.
In other words
Linking Words
, the service which fast
food
Use synonyms
 chain serves meets modern public demands.
Body paragraph 2
Regarding the second point, the spread of fast
food
Use synonyms
 changes makes the younger generation addicted to oil, sugar, and fat;
this
Linking Words
also
Linking Words
 leads to gaining weight, discourages them from exercising and having good concentration. Since their brain and bones are still developing, ingredients
such
Linking Words
 as artificial additives exacerbate their health and decrease the levels of their concentration. In fact, statistics prove that children who have a healthy daily habit tend to bother less physical and mental health problems, and receive higher test scores at school than those who eat fast
food
Use synonyms
 on a daily basis. Despite some merits mentioned in the previous paragraph,
people
Use synonyms
 should realise that these kinds of cuisine contain ingredients worsening their physical health, and making a habit of eating these products may bring about negative outcomes in their academic performance as well.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
, it is understandable that eating fast
food
Use synonyms
 becomes popular among kids, teenagers and adolescents in terms of price, convenience, and suiting their needs.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 trend has
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 potential possibility of preventing them from keeping in good shape and achieving their goals , including getting a desirable test score.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts: you give causes and say this is a bad change. To make the answer stronger, give two clear causes in the first body part, such as low cost and easy access, and explain each one more fully.
task response
Your main view is clear, but some health claims are too broad. For example, say that fast food can add to weight gain when it is eaten often, rather than saying it makes all young people ill or unable to focus.
task response
The Japan example is useful and fits the topic. Make it more direct by showing how low price, many shops, and quick service lead young people to choose this food.
task response
The second body part has good points about health. Add one short point about why this is a bad change for young people’s daily life, such as less energy for school, sport, or home life.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the first body part focus only on causes and the second body part focus only on why the change is bad.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words to show the path of your ideas: “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “However”. This will make the links between sentences easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and hold too many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences. For example, write one sentence about fat and sugar, then another sentence about health problems.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear or hard word groups such as “the spread of fast food changes” and “potential possibility”. Use direct forms: “the growth of fast food” and “may harm”.
task response
You clearly state your view that the rise of fast food is a bad change, and you return to this view in the end.
task response
You use a real and clear example from Japan. This helps show why fast food is popular with students and young workers.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has an opening, separate body parts, and a closing paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You use topic sentences such as “Concerning the first point” and “Regarding the second point” to guide the reader.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: