IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The adverse effect of sugar on health is well known to the public now. Some believe that the government should control the amount of sugar people consume. Others think that it is the responsibility of an individual to monitor their sugar intake. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

6.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The harmful effects of excessive
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption are now
well documented
Correct your spelling
well-documented
. Some people believe that
governments
Use synonyms
 should control how much
sugar
Use synonyms
 the public consumes,
for
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
 by taxing
high-
Use synonyms
sugar
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 others argue that
adults
Use synonyms
 should make their own decisions
while
Linking Words
 understanding the consequences. In my view, both sides are partly right.
Governments
Use synonyms
 should discourage excessive
sugar
Use synonyms
 consumption through measures
such
Linking Words
 as taxes, but
adults
Use synonyms
 should ultimately be free to make their own choices.
Body paragraph 1
Many
children
Use synonyms
 consume
high-
Use synonyms
sugar
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 every day, which can lead to diabetes or obesity in the long term. Diabetes can affect their life permanently, as they may need to check their blood
sugar
Use synonyms
 three or four times a day, and later in
life
Punctuation problem
life,
show examples
 some may even lose a foot. Obesity affects their daily life through low energy, difficulty getting out of bed, breathing problems, and being physically unable to do everyday tasks. One way to protect
children
Use synonyms
's health is to tax
high-
Use synonyms
sugar
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 aimed at
children
Use synonyms
, so that parents are less likely to buy
products
Use synonyms
 that harm them.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, some
adults
Use synonyms
 use
high-
Use synonyms
sugar
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 to get the energy they need for intense weightlifting, and taxing these
products
Use synonyms
 would be unfair to them. Unlike
children
Use synonyms
,
adults
Use synonyms
 are capable of weighing the risks and deciding what is right for their own bodies. If
governments
Use synonyms
 begin controlling what
adults
Use synonyms
 eat, it could lead to
further
Linking Words
 restrictions on personal freedom.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
governments
Use synonyms
 should protect
children
Use synonyms
 from the harmful effects of
sugar
Use synonyms
,
for
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
 through taxes on
products
Use synonyms
 aimed at them.
Adults
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
, should remain free to make their own choices, as they are able to understand the consequences.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both sides and give your own view. To make your view even clearer, say more about why the state should act for all people, not only children.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but the point about adults who need sugar for weight training is not fully strong. They can often get energy from many other foods. Use a stronger reason, such as the cost of poor health for health care.
task response
The examples of diabetes and obesity are useful. Add one short example of a rule that may work, such as a tax on sweet drinks or clear sugar facts on food.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: first one view, then the other view, then your final view. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use more linking words to show how ideas fit together. For example: 'As a result', 'In addition', 'However', and 'For this reason'.
coherence and cohesion
Some long health details make the first body part feel heavy. Keep the key point, then explain the link to the state rule more directly.
coherence and cohesion
In the final part, repeat your full view in one clear line: the state should make sugar less easy to buy, but should not fully stop adults from buying it.
task response
You discuss both views and clearly state your own view in the first and last parts.
task response
Your health examples are clear and help show why too much sugar can be a serious problem.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main idea, so the reader can follow your argument easily.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending match well and give the essay a clear shape.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: