IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#sports #professionals #money #people #professions
Nowadays, some successful athletes are making money considerably higher than individuals who are involved in more significant careers some
people
 reckon
This
 is totally justified
whereas
 others opine it doesn’t make sense.
This
 essay will delve into both views and illustrate why
this
 revenue is not fair. A group of
people
 asserts sports that renowned sports professionals are outstanding symbols of dedication and hard work for youths and play an immense role and youngsters are being inspired by watching them and their luxurious lives
hence
, they should be paid off to stay motivated iconic figures in societies.
for instance
, Ronaldo is a superb symbol of hard work that depicts
endeavors
Change the spelling
endeavours
show examples
 will be rewarded On the flip side, others hold the belief that individual income should correlate with the value they add to the world.
Therefore
,
people
 working in more important jobs have the competency to experience greater incomes, but
according to
 fame privileges and its inherent potential, they employ it in commercial objectives.
For example
,
also
, Maryam Mirzakhani was a phenomenon in her major, She never made a contract like Ronaldo because he can dramatically provoke the sales rate of any brand and football club event tickets
according to
 his influence on fans through publicity and media.
To sum up
,
However
, some allege that greater earning for sports professionals is completely justified
due to
 their crucial role models for conventional
people
, Some others endorse revenues should be suitable with what careers add to the universe, not based on commercial efficiency.
Submitted by ali.homayoni93 on

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job of addressing the topic, but it needs to be further developed in some places. Including more detailed examples and explanations will strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
There are a few grammatical errors and awkward phrases throughout your essay. Checking for consistency in tense and improving sentence structure will help make your ideas clearer.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more engaging and cohesive. Try to clearly summarize your main points in the conclusion.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced approach to the issue.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, like Ronaldo and Maryam Mirzakhani, demonstrates an effort to make your points more concrete.
coherence cohesion
Your essay maintains a logical flow, which helps the reader follow your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial remuneration
  • exceptional
  • merit
  • talent
  • demand
  • entertainment value
  • career span
  • physical demands
  • justified
  • unfair
  • criticism
  • income inequality
  • societal priorities
  • sportsmanship
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