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Band 4.5

The study of ancient culture is not a relevant subject in modern education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Education
Use synonyms
 systems worldwide are increasingly focusing on practical skills and technology to prepare students for their future careers.
However
Linking Words
, it is argued by some that
study
Correct article usage
the study
show examples
 of ancient
civilization
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civilisation
show examples
 is no
loger
Correct your spelling
longer
 relevant to the modern
education
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 systems and classrooms,
which
Change preposition
with which
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 I strongly agree. I believe that modern
education
Use synonyms
 should focus on technology, science and skills like twenty-first-century skills
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 are essential for building a career.
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost,
transition
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the transition
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 to traditional to fully
digitized
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digitised
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 global workforce dictates that contemporary schooling should
prioritize
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prioritise
show examples
 digital
literacy
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 over the ancient
culture
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. It’s an acknowledged fact that with the
digitalization
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digitalisation
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 of many areas, these areas become more complex and
hard
Correct word choice
harder
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 to understand.
Especially ethics
Rephrase
Ethics
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 is one of the topics
translitioned
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transitioned
 into
more
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a more
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 complex structure after
development
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the development
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 of AI.
However
Linking Words
, knowing and being
teached
Wrong verb form
taught
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 ancient
culture
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 has
any
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apply
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no impact
to
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on
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 adapting to
this
Linking Words
 new
digitalized word
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digitalised world
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.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, contemporary
education
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 is judged by practical utility, which makes time spend investigated on the ancient
culture
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 highly inefficient for
student
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students
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 who want to enter
to
Correct determiner usage
the
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 job
markets
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market
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.
This
Linking Words
 stems from the modern workforce demands technical expertise or digital
literacy
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 that
are
Verb problem
apply
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cannot
acquired
Verb problem
be acquired
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 by researching past lifestyles or political/historical events.
According to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
a survey
which
Punctuation problem
,
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 the collected datas are gathered from 4 schools, schools that teach digital
literacy
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 and practical subjects over the ancient
culture
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 subject performed better
on their
Change preposition
in
show examples
 adapting their carrier.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly believe that
study
Correct article usage
the study
show examples
 of ancient
civilizations
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civilisations
show examples
 is no longer
to the
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apply
show examples
relevant in contemporary
education
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. Ultimately, preparing
student
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students
show examples
 for
highly
Correct article usage
a highly
show examples
 competitive market with teaching digital
literacy
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 and practical knowledge is far greater than understanding ancient
civilization
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civilisations
show examples
.

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task response
You give a clear view from the start and keep this view to the end. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why old culture has no place in school. You could also talk about one or two useful parts of old culture, then show why you think other subjects are more important.
task response
Your main ideas about jobs, tech, and digital skills are linked to the question. However, the point about ethics and AI is not clear enough. Explain exactly how this shows that old culture is not useful, or leave it out.
task response
The school survey is not a strong example because there are no clear facts about it. Use a simple real-life example instead, such as how coding or online safety can help a student at work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Each main part has one main idea, which helps the reader follow your view.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example, write: “This is because...” before a reason, and “For example...” before an example. Make sure the next sentence clearly supports the first sentence of each part.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Keep sentences short and direct. For example: “Ancient culture does not help students adapt to a digital world.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “digital literacy”, “ancient culture”, and “modern education” too often. You can sometimes use “these skills”, “this subject”, or “today’s schools” instead.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly state that you agree.
task response
Your ideas about work, technology, and useful skills are relevant to your main view.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what you will discuss, and the ending clearly repeats your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “First and foremost”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion” help show the order of your ideas.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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