IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

6.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, plenty of
kids
Use synonyms
 use their tablets and consoles every day for many hours.
This
Linking Words
 statement means their parents do not care about their children.
Also
Linking Words
, from my perspective, I strongly disagree that tablets are developing their logic or creativity.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, those children might be playing a game that may develop their minds.
Moreover
Linking Words
, not all the games are the same; some of them are shooting or harassing humans.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, there are plenty of games that can impact positively,
such
Linking Words
 as Minecraft.
For example
Linking Words
, in Minecraft, in
this
Linking Words
 game, you can do anything; you can build whatever you want, which means
this
Linking Words
 can develop your creativity in architecture.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, some educational centres are using Minecraft in their education system. Because they know that the game will affect their children positively.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, watching the screen for many hours can make them cosy.
Although
Linking Words
 that screen is killing their brains, and the reason is they will adapt to that comfort, and it can lead them into laziness, which they do not want to do anything less
watching
Correct word choice
than watch
show examples
 their tablets or TV.
This
Linking Words
 will cause a big problem for them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they will not learn about hard work. Because they just adapt to that comfort. And, suddenly, their parents let them do anything. Unfortunately, they do not know how to do it.
That is
Linking Words
 why it will affect them negatively.
Conclusion
In conclusion, your
kids
Use synonyms
 can watch their electronic devices, but not all the time or else your
kids
Use synonyms
 will turn into lazy people. So, be responsible for your
kids
Use synonyms
 and their future.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give clear reasons why children use phones for hours, such as games, videos, friends, and easy access at home. Your first paragraph talks more about parents than the reasons for phone use.
task response
Make your main view clear from the start: this is mainly a negative change. Then explain why the good side does not balance the bad side.
task response
Develop each main idea with a simple chain: reason, result, and example. For example, long screen time can take time from sleep, sport, school work, and face-to-face time with friends.
task response
Your Minecraft example is useful and on topic. Explain it in a more direct way: children can plan, build, and solve problems in the game.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction, reasons for heavy phone use, good side, bad side, and conclusion. This will help the reader follow your view.
coherence and cohesion
Do not put too many ideas in one long sentence. Use shorter sentences, especially when you explain the bad effects of screen time.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a natural way. Use words such as 'First', 'Also', 'However', 'As a result', and 'For this reason'. Do not start many sentences with 'Because' or 'And'.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the topic. The question is about smartphones, but your essay changes between tablets, consoles, screens, TV, and devices. You can mention these, but make smartphones the main focus.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear lines such as 'they do not know how to do it'. Say exactly what you mean, for example: 'They may find it hard to do school work or other tasks without help.'
task response
You give a clear overall view that too much screen time is harmful.
task response
You include both a good side and a bad side, and the Minecraft example makes the good side more real.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as 'For example', 'Moreover', and 'In conclusion' help show links between some ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: