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Band 5

Training 65-year-olds to use computers would be a good use of government money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
As digital technology has become an essential part of everyday life, providing
computer
Use synonyms
 training for older
people
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 can be a worthwhile use of public money. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 view because digital
skills
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 can help elderly
people
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 access essential services independently and maintain communication with family and friends.
Body paragraph 1
One major benefit of
computer
Use synonyms
 training is that it can help older
people
Use synonyms
 access essential services independently.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because many banking, healthcare and government services are now available online.
In other words
Linking Words
, basic
computer
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skills
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 enable elderly
people
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 to complete important tasks without always depending on younger family members.
For example
Linking Words
, a 65-year-old person can use a
computer
Use synonyms
 to make a medical appointment or manage online banking.
As a result
Linking Words
,
computer
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 training can increase independence among older citizens.
Body paragraph 2
Computer
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skills
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 can
also
Linking Words
 improve the social lives of older
people
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.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because the internet provides them with convenient ways to communicate with relatives and friends.
For example
Linking Words
, elderly
people
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 can use email, social media or video calls to stay connected with family members who live far away.
As a result
Linking Words
, digital communication can reduce social isolation and contribute to
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 quality of life among older
people
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly agree that using government money to train 65-year-olds in
computer
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skills
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 is worthwhile.
Such
Linking Words
 training can increase their independence, improve communication and reduce social isolation.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same. To make the answer even stronger, explain why public money for this group is more useful than other kinds of help.
task response
Your two main ideas are good: more freedom in daily tasks and less time alone. Add one more detail about how classes could help, such as small groups, free lessons, or help with online safety.
task response
Your examples fit well, but they are quite general. You could give a more real example of a person who uses a video call, health site, or bank app after training.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow, with one main idea in each body paragraph. Keep this clear plan in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words well, but “This is mainly because” and “As a result” are used in both body paragraphs. Use other simple links too, such as “Also”, “For this reason”, or “Therefore”.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph gives a clear ending. It could be a little stronger if it also said that this use of public money can help the whole community, not only older people.
task response
You answer the question fully and clearly show strong agreement.
task response
The ideas are relevant and easy to understand. Online health care, banking, and contact with family are strong reasons.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion are in a clear order.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has a clear main point, an explanation, an example, and a result.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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