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Writing Samples
Band 7

Most people think about creating an ideal society, but most of the time fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?

#people #society #time #happen
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Many great philosophers have contemplated what an ideal
society
 should comprise and how we can achieve it. but our contemporary
society
 is far from ideal since countless problems still permeate every aspect of life. An ideal
society
 manifests itself in several fundamental ways including but not restricted to people's
freedom
, and well-being.
Thus
, it is extremely difficult, nay, impossible to create
one
due to
 the confiding and personal nature of each of the aforementioned elements. A milieu in which everyone could have the autonomy to do what they wish, achieve high levels of happiness and be well catered for should be considered ideal. With regard to
freedom
, it is unanimously agreed that being stripped of the
freedom
 of choice, speech, or expression,
one
 can hardly find an environment worth living
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples
 As for people’s well-being,
this
 abstract concept is difficult to define
due to
 its personal nature.
While
one
 may achieve a high level of satisfaction without many material possessions, others may feel so depressed or helpless that they commit suicide, even though they may have an unimaginable amount of wealth. It would be high on impossible to create a utopian
society
 where everyone is happy and well and free to do what they like.
For example
, imposing a ban on smoking would indeed force smokers to quit, but at the same time, it would
also
 violate their
freedom
 of choice. Perhaps, in order to avoid conflicts, a step that would go a long way to forming an ideal
society
 would be to educate people to believe in certain sets of beliefs, and values.
Nevertheless
, the corollary of
such
 an ideological indoctrination would be the loss of critical thinking, which would in turn have stultifying effects on the progress of any
society
. In conclusion, an ideal
society
 is undoubtedly desirable and consists of many different elements, but it is unrealistic to create
one
.
Submitted by lenam2k1 on

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear viewpoint and tackles the question effectively, but it could benefit from further concrete examples to support the ideas. Consider introducing more specific instances or case studies to strengthen your arguments and better illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
While the essay maintains a logical structure throughout and has a clear introduction and conclusion, some transitions between ideas can be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing people's well-being to the difficulties in creating an ideal society can be more seamless with the use of appropriate linking words and phrases.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a strong introduction that frames the topic well and outlines the problems associated with creating an ideal society.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas are comprehensive and clear, with thoughtful consideration of different aspects such as freedom and well-being.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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