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Band 5.5

Some parents buy their childern a large number of toys to paly with. What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys.

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Introduction
In recent years, it has become increasingly common for parents to buy their
children
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 a large
number
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 of
toys
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 to play with.
Although
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this
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 trend has certain
disadvantages
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, it
also
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 offers several benefits to
children
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both the advantages and
disadvantages
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 of having a large
number
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 of
toys
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are several advantages associated with having a large
number
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 of
toys
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. One notable benefit is that
children
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 can explore different types of
toys
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 as they have access to a wide variety of them.
For example
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,
children
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 who have different
toys
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,
such
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 as Lego and science-related
toys
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, have more opportunities to explore their interests than those who do not. Another advantage is that
children
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 can keep themselves entertained without constantly relying on others for company.
As a result
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, they can learn to play independently and keep themselves occupied in their free time.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, I believe that the
disadvantages
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 are more significant. The primary reason is that
children
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 may lack appreciation for the value of
things
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 in their lives. When they have more
toys
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 than they need to play with, they may start taking
things
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 for granted.
For instance
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, as they are given a large
number
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 of
toys
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, they may not value them or keep them safe and
organized
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organised
show examples
.
This
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 is particularly concerning because they may develop the habit of not taking care of their
things
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 in their adult lives. Another disadvantage is that they may not
use
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 their
imagination
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while
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 playing when they are surrounded by countless
toys
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.
For example
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, if
children
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 have fewer
toys
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, they may
use
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 their
imagination
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while
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 playing.
Furthermore
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,
this
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use
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 of
imagination
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 can help
children
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 develop mentally.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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 having more
toys
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 can keep
children
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 occupied and reduce their need to rely on others to play with them, there are
also
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 significant
disadvantages
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 because
children
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 may not
use
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 their
imagination
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 and may fail to appreciate the value of
things
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 in their lives.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more equal way. You explain the bad side more fully than the good side, so add one more clear good point or develop the good points further.
task response
Make your main view clearer in the introduction. You say there are both good and bad sides, but later say the bad sides are more important. State this view at the start.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For example, explain how building blocks can help a child plan, make, and solve small problems. This will make the ideas stronger.
task response
Develop the point about imagination with more care. Many toys can also support imagination, so explain that the problem is having too many toys at once, which may stop a child from using one toy in many ways.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, good side, bad side, and conclusion. Keep this clear plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas more natural. Some sentences repeat the same idea, such as children not valuing toys and not caring for them. Join these ideas and then explain the result.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one main point, then give an example and explain why it matters. This will make each paragraph feel more complete.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words like “large number of toys” too often. You can also say “many toys”, “a wide choice”, or “so many items”.
task response
You answer the full question by discussing both advantages and disadvantages, and you give a clear view that the disadvantages are stronger.
task response
Your ideas are relevant to children’s daily life, especially independent play, interest in different activities, care for belongings, and imagination.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraph order is easy to follow, and phrases such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” help guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion clearly returns to the main ideas from the body paragraphs and gives the reader a clear ending.
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