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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that celebrity personal events ia a waste of money. Others feel that these celebrations play an important role in the lives of individual and in society as a whole. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Some
people
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 believe that celebrating personal events is a waste of
money
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,
while
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 others think that these
celebrations
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 are important for individuals and society.
This
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 essay will discuss both views. In my opinion, personal
celebrations
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 are important, but
people
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 should spend
money
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 wisely.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, some
people
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 think that personal events are a waste of
money
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.
Celebrations
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such
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 as weddings, birthdays and graduation parties can cost a lot of
money
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.
People
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 may spend
money
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 on food, clothes, decorations and entertainment.
This
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money
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 could be used for more important things,
such
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 as education, buying a house or saving for the future.
For example
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, some
people
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 have a large wedding party even though they do not have enough savings.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, other
people
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 believe that
celebrations
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 are important in our lives and society. Personal events can bring family and friends together. They
also
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 give
people
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 an opportunity to share happiness and create good memories.
For example
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, a wedding celebration can bring two families together and make their relationship closer.
In addition
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,
celebrations
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 can help
people
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 feel connected to their community.
Body paragraph 3
In my opinion, personal
celebrations
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 are useful and important, but they do not need to be expensive.
People
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 should celebrate important moments with their family and friends
according to
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 their financial situation. Spending too much
money
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 only
for
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on
show examples
 a celebration can cause financial problems in the future.
Conclusion
In conclusion, some
people
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 see personal
celebrations
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 as unnecessary spending,
while
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 others consider them important for individuals and society. I believe that
celebrations
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 are valuable, but
people
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 should control their spending.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your answer stronger, explain more about how events help society, not only family and friends. For example, say that local events can bring people in a town closer.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some points need more support. Explain why a big event can cause money problems, such as debt or less money for daily needs.
task response
Your examples fit the topic. Try to add one more clear, real-life example for each side, with a short explanation of its result.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. Keep this good order.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider range of simple links to show the next idea. For example: "As a result", "At the same time", "For this reason", and "In this way".
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are short and could flow better. After each main point, add a sentence that says why it matters. This will make the paragraph feel more complete.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show both views and clearly state your own view.
task response
Your view is clear and stays the same from the opening to the ending: celebrations matter, but people should not spend too much.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one clear main idea, so the reader can follow your writing easily.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending are both clear and match the main ideas in the essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • extravagant
  • excessive
  • diverting resources
  • pressing needs
  • inequality
  • lavishness
  • economic disparities
  • boost local economies
  • media attention
  • cultural significance
  • trends
  • influence
  • popular culture
  • charitable causes
  • raise awareness
  • entertainment
  • community
  • shared interest
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