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Band 6

People in many countries are spending less time with their families. What are the reasons and effect of this?

#people #countries #time #families #effect
Nowadays, there is a common belief that
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 among
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 of
family
Correct article usage
a family
show examples
 have decreased in many countries.
People
 tend to spend their
time
 with friends or relatives rather than
families
. In
this
 essay, I will explain some reasons why
this
happen
Correct subject-verb agreement
happens
show examples
 and the effect
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 situation. The principal reason why
people
 tend to spend less
time
 with their
families
 is that they have to study or work in another place.
This
 is because
area
Correct article usage
the area
show examples
 where they live
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not provide
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 or good education
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
. In order to improve the
quality
 of life, they have to leave their region with
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
consequecies
Correct your spelling
consequences
consequence
such
 as reducing
quality
time
 with their
families
. Another reason is the rising
of using
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 of social
media
. Nowadays,
people
 tend to spend their leisure
time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
such
 as
tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
 and
instagram
Change the capitalization
Instagram
show examples
.
Moreover
, the developer of
this
 app
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 an effort to increase
people
's
enggagement
Correct your spelling
engagement
 with
release
Correct article usage
the release
show examples
a
Change preposition
of a
show examples
new feature that
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 them enjoy using it
such
 as video
conference
Wrong verb form
conferencing
show examples
, photo sharing, and buying online.
Consequently
, they spend much
time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social
media
 rather than with their
families
.
Furthermore
,
this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
 circumstances affect on
quality
 of family
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
.
People
 should spend much
quality
time
to improve
Change the verb form
improving
show examples
 their
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
such
 as
conversation
Change preposition
in conversation
show examples
, playing sports, and camping. In
this
 activity,
people
 can increase their chemistry
each
Change preposition
with each
show examples
 other and
knowing
Change the verb form
know
show examples
 what is their best and
low
Correct word choice
lowest
show examples
 condition.
As a result
, they know how to encourage
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 of
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
 when they
sad
Add a missing verb
are sad
show examples
 or feeling down. In conclusion, spending less
time
 with family is
inevitable
Add an article
an inevitable
show examples
 condition because
spreading
Correct article usage
the spreading
show examples
 of
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 and education is not equal among countries, and
also
 social
media
 plays
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 factor that caused
this
 circumstance.
Finally
, it
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
famly
Correct your spelling
family
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
.
Submitted by rifkiw1205 on

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Grammar & Spelling
For future writing, it may be helpful to pay closer attention to local grammar and spelling conventions to enhance clarity and professionalism in your writing. Even small inaccuracies don't significantly hinder understanding, it's always good to aim for perfection.
Content Depth
You've provided a robust analysis of the reasons and effects related to decreased family time, which is commendable. To deepen your essays even further, you might consider exploring a wider range of perspectives or including counter-arguments to enrich the discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to create a stronger link between paragraphs with smoother transitions. This will not only strengthen the essay's flow but also make it easier for readers to follow your thought process from one point to the next.
Structure
You've effectively structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which greatly aids in reader comprehension.
Task Response
Your essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task, with comprehensive coverage of both causes and effects concerning the main topic. This level of detail is impressive.
Use of Examples
The use of examples, such as the impact of social media and job/education relocation, is particularly effective in illustrating your points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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