IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health problem. Give the reasons for this and give solutions to help these children

5.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Society has greatly changed , and that includes the eating habits of
children
Use synonyms
.
Obesity
Use synonyms
 has been a serious problem.
As a result
Linking Words
, many young people suffer from
this
Linking Words
 issue.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the reasons and the solutions for child
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
There are different reasons for
kids
Use synonyms
'
obesity
Use synonyms
.
First,
Linking Words
most
kids
Use synonyms
 eat a lot of unhealthy food.
For example
Linking Words
, they have been addicted to eating sweets and chocolates,which has a drawback on their health.
Also
Linking Words
, some of them are addicted to eating fast food
such
Linking Words
 as KFC and Burger King .Second , Overweight
kids
Use synonyms
 become fat because of laziness.Some young
kids
Use synonyms
 do not work out ,and they do not move.
As a result
Linking Words
, they spend their time on video games or eating , for many days without moving .
Finally
Linking Words
 , new studies show that many
kids
Use synonyms
 become overweight because of their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. Many parents do not raise their
children
Use synonyms
 in a healthy lifestyle.
In addition
Linking Words
, some young people are born fat because of their genetics.
Body paragraph 2
There are many incredible solutions for
this
Linking Words
 case.
First,
Linking Words
healthy food is one of the best ways for
obesity
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
 , young people should calculate the calories of their meals before they eat.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
Body paragraph 3
eating
Capitalize the word
Eating
show examples
 vegetables or fruits helps to drop the weight.
Second,
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 should start doing exercise. Walking every day for 30 minutes helps the body to lose weight.
Moreover
Linking Words
, playing sports
such
Linking Words
 as Football and Basketball
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 helps to be more fit.
Finally
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 need to stop drinking soda and start drinking more water.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, healthy, natural juices with no sugar will be a huge help in reducing child
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is painfully obvious that there are multiple reasons responsible for child
obesity
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, there are a number of solid and simple solutions to repair
this
Linking Words
 health catastrophe.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the task: reasons and ways to help. Your main ideas are clear, but some need more detail. For example, explain how parents can plan meals, limit sweet drinks, and help children play outside.
task response
Use more exact examples. KFC and Burger King are examples, but you can also give a short real-life case, such as a child who eats fast food after school and plays video games all evening.
task response
Be careful with ideas about genes. Say that genes may play a part, but family food and daily habits are still very important. This makes your point more fair and clear.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: an opening, reasons, ways to help, and an ending. Keep each main point in its own paragraph, with one clear topic sentence at the start.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are used too often, especially “As a result,” “Furthermore,” and “Finally.” Use a wider mix, such as “also,” “for this reason,” “however,” and “for example.” Only use a link when it shows the true relation between ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make the links inside sentences smoother. For example, change “for many days without moving” to “for long hours each day with very little movement.” This is easier to read.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very strong or unclear words such as “health catastrophe” and “repair this case.” Use simple, direct words: “solve this problem” or “reduce child obesity.”
task response
You give several useful reasons, including unhealthy food, little exercise, family habits, and genes.
task response
Your answers include practical ways to help, such as eating more fruit and vegetables, walking, playing sports, and drinking water.
coherence and cohesion
The reader can easily follow the main plan of the essay because the reasons come first and the ways to help come next.
coherence and cohesion
The opening states the topic, and the ending returns to the main message of the essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: