IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Obesity is a serious problem in many countries, especially in reach countries. Discuss ways to solve the problem . Provide specific reason and examples to support your answer.

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Introduction
A hot issue
of
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in
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 modern societies is
about
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apply
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obesity, especially in rich countries. How to solve the problem is an important question for society.To
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this
Verb problem
address this
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 issue, it is advisable to analyse
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
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 and solutions of the trend. I will discuss
reasons
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the reasons
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 and solutions
of the
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for this
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 direction in
this
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 essay.
Body paragraph 1
There are several facts leading to
this
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 phenomenon. First of all, unhealth
diet
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 is mainly responsible for the movement. Nowadays, a lot of
people
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 prefer to eat sweet cakes or food with highe in sugar and high in oil rather than vegetables.
This
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 situation makes it easy for
population
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the population
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 to develop obesity.
In addition
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, most
public
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people
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 don't like
examination
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examinations
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, which should be blamed. Everyday eat unhealthy food and do not exercise ; these two reasons lead to
people
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 having obesity.
Body paragraph 2
Some effective measures should be adopted to alleviate the aggravation.
To begin
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 with, change your
diet
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 , eat healthy vegetables and foods low in sugar and oil. That will control body health, not to be fat.
Additionally
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,
people
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 should do exercise every day.
For example
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, running, swimming , or to play ball game that will help
people
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 lose weight . Enable them to have a healthy body.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is unhealth
diet
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 and less activity that contribute substantially to the trend. It is quite necessary to take some effective strategies ,
such
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 as keep healthy
diet
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,
such
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 as eat more vegetable and do exercies everyday , like running, swimming , and so on, to handle the problem. It seems to be a negative trend. Some possible problems ,
such
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 as illness and difficulty in moving affects normal life may appear without effective methods.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Your main ideas are healthy food and more exercise, but explain how they can work. For example, schools can give better meals, and the government can put a tax on food and drinks with much sugar.
task response
Give more clear examples. The examples of running and swimming are useful, but add a real result: for example, people who walk for 30 minutes each day may burn more energy and keep a healthy weight.
task response
Use clear words for the problem. Say “obesity” or “being very overweight” often, not “this trend”, “this movement”, or “this direction”. These words do not clearly mean obesity.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Make the first body part about causes only and the second body part about solutions only. Do not say you will discuss causes and solutions if the task mainly asks for solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph follow one simple plan: main idea, explanation, and example. This will help the reader follow your points more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a natural way. “First”, “Also”, “For example”, and “As a result” are enough. Avoid using the same link words too many times.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Write shorter sentences, such as: “People may become obese when they eat too much food with sugar and oil and do little exercise.”
task response
You give two useful ways to deal with obesity: eating healthier food and doing more exercise.
task response
You include examples of exercise, such as running, swimming, and ball games.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can see the main shape of your answer.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful links, such as “First of all”, “In addition”, and “In conclusion”.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • balanced diet
  • lean proteins
  • whole grains
  • recreational facilities
  • community fitness programs
  • campaigns
  • marketing
  • high-calorie foods
  • sugary drinks
  • health education programs
  • nutritional counseling
  • medical interventions
  • food deserts
  • urban planning
  • pedestrian-friendly streets
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