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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Experts say that if older people spend their time with others and exercise daily, they will be healthier and happier. However, many elderly people do not exercise and spend time alone. What are the reasons for this? How can this be resolved?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Specialists claim that the elderly who spend
time
Use synonyms
 with other
people
Use synonyms
 and work out regularly tend to be healthier and be more satisfied with their lives,
while
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 many of them choose to have no exercise and to be alone.
This
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 essay will explore the contradiction and suggest some actions
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 be taken to resolve
this
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 disturbing problem.
Body paragraph 1
One potential reason behind
may
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this may
show examples
 be the change
of
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in
show examples
 their
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
. Because some of the elderly have got used to work which may have
dured
Correct your spelling
lasted
 for decades. After the retirement, some of them may
cannot
Verb problem
not
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 get used to the sudden change of life mode and dealing with
abundent
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abundant
 spare
time
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 before they develop new interests.
No like
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Unlike
 in their working
time
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 that forced
them
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apply
show examples
to interact with other
people
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, a large
amount
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number
show examples
 of them tend to spend
time
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 by themselves without the
needs
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need
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 to develop interpersonal relationships.
Besides
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, getting older always means less energy and strength
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 a huge proportion of older
people
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reduced
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
 their
fitting
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fitness
 times naturally.
Body paragraph 2
Another compelling reason is attributed to the fact that the widespread
of
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use of
show examples
technonogy
Correct your spelling
technology
 and social media.
This
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 is because currently, the application of varying devices and technonogies have enormously
swithched
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switched
people
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's
livestyle
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lifestyle
.
For instance
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, some social media
such
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 as Facebook and
Wechat
Capitalize the proper name
WeChat
show examples
 have developed into multifuctional hub, combining entertainment,
message
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messaging
, and even online payment. On
on
Correct determiner usage
one
show examples
 hand, they bring unparalleled convenience to
people
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's lives, allowing
people
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 to satisfy their basic needs without leaving
homes
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home
show examples
.
On the other hand
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, those social media encourage
sedentary
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a sedentary
show examples
 and isolated lifestyle, limiting the elderly
to develop
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from developing
show examples
 a single meaningful
with
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relationship with
show examples
 other
people
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.
Conclusion
This
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 change of elderly
people
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's
behaviors
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behaviours
show examples
 can be
possitively
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positively
 impacted by community-based activities
such
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 as reading clubs, sports teams, where enabling the elderly to meet a group of
people
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 who are at the same age and who share the same interests with them. Those activities will definitely enrich their life after
retirements
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retirement
show examples
 and strengthen their sense of
belong
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belonging
 and community and
further
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 achieve their sense of
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: reasons and ways to help. However, the last part gives only one main way. Add at least one more clear way, such as free classes, safe walking groups, or help from family and local health staff.
task response
Make each reason more direct. For example, say that some old people feel lost after work ends, so they stay at home and do not know how to meet others. Then explain clearly how this leads to less exercise and more time alone.
task response
The point about phones and social media is useful, but the example needs to focus more on old people. Explain that some may find online life easier than going out, or may not know how to use it to meet people in real life.
task response
Give a fuller ending. Restate that groups and exercise can help, and say who should act, such as local groups, families, and health services.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: opening, two reasons, and one answer. Keep this plan, but use a separate final paragraph for the ending.
coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas are unclear. Use simple links such as “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “To solve this problem” to show the path of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences, especially in the first reason paragraph. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the answer paragraph more connected to the reasons. For example, clubs can help people who miss work friends, while walking groups can help people who feel they have less strength.
task response
You clearly address the main problem and give real reasons, including life after work and the use of social media.
task response
Your idea about local reading clubs and sports groups is relevant and useful. It directly helps old people meet others and become more active.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has a main topic, so the reader can see the change from causes to a possible answer.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples such as Facebook and WeChat to support your point about online life.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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